The Big Bang Theory of making it in music


Of recent, I’ve been thinking, if I were to change my profession, what would I do? A career path that’s fun and also very rewarding. Then it occurred to me that entertainment (especially music) and football thrives so well.

I won’t dabble into football. I suck at that sport. Both in reality and in video games. The last time I played football, it was tagged ‘comedy hour’, where all the very poor players were involved. And I fell ill for the next 2 days, because of the stress.

The last time I did professional or serious minded singing, was at a church (Jesus Cadet) in Ibadan. During the auditioning, I was told my voice has no class. Alto, soprano, bass and the last one (something like techno, can’t remember), I dint fit into any of them. So somehow somehow, I left the choir.

Oh well, fast forward to today. The days of good voice and mind blowing lyrics are fast fading. Less than 49% music fans listen to good music, and on that note, this post is for those with the ambition of singing the regular kinda songs we listen to now.

1. Remember to shout “it’s your boy/girl” when you release that single.

shout out

It doesn’t matter if no one knows who you are. It’s essential you connect to your imaginary fan base. Do not be fazed by the fact that the only people that believe in you are actually your partner (who is hoping you’ll blow so he/she can move up the ladder of success) Ensure you Shout this at every opportunity. If you are not sure of your sex, a good phrase will be “it’s me again” Yes, it also doesn’t matter that it’s your first time.

2. You must also let us know that you’ve come a long way.

long way

Saying “it’s been a long time coming” is a good way to achieve this. Of course, it don’t matter that you decided to enter the music scene after reading on Leenda ikaygees blog that Davido (your mate) bought a N2million necklace. Let us know that you’ve been in this long time and this is it finally.

3. Depending on your genre of music…you know what scratch that. No matter what you’re singing, use words that don’t make sense. Statistics have shown that the more gibberish you throw into your songs, the more appreciated it is. Ask Orezi, D’prince and May D

4. You know you must HAVE a Twitter account, right?

twitter

Even if you won’t tweet shit (which I advise), get your friends or the members of the Twitter cabal to help hype your song. What? Its crap? Do they care? They actually won’t listen to it but they have the ability to sell ice to Eskimos. Grease palms a bit and voila! Oh! While you’re at it, go to some nice studio and get album art done. LOOOOL! I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE AN ALBUM!!!

5. Now that people have hopefully DL’d and listened to your art.

promo

Note: Use words like “art” instead of “music, song” to show how deep you are, Ignore the haters. Haters gon’ hate. They aren’t of the same intellectual level as you are so their opinion is shit. Make CD copies of your songs and take to radio stations. Note you have to start with the ones that don’t mind helping out new folk. Places like Maulag FM, Wazobia FM.

6. Woot Woot!!

hype

Your song was sampled on Maulag FM. Who’s the star now? Nigga you don did it *chest bump* ungh!!! You gotta hype that shit. Get your friend to take pictures of your studio time and put it up everywhere; facebook, Twitter, make flyers. Let people know you’ve arrived niccur. YEAH!

7. Now, let’s make a video. C’mon man, the Nigerian music scene isn’t complete without videos. SEXY GIRLS. Tell your sister, girlfriend, fellow church usher to invite her friends for your house party. I understand that there’s no money. Oh you squat? No biggie, find some friend, that’s what they’re there for. Promise him some position when you blow, Manager or a Sina Rambo, B-red kinda role. Yes. So all set, now the girls, if you tell them to come for a video shoot, they’ll be expecting some form of payment. Invite them for a party and let your song be playing loudly in the background. Make sure your invisible friend is filming it all.

8. No matter how broke you are, you MUST buy or rent plenty bottles of champagne, drinks etc.

champagne

What? You don’t have to do much. Make sure you pop ONLY ONE. Your cameraman must get that exact shot; where the bottle pops. If you can lay your hands on any hard currency also, make sure it shows. Be careful how you throw it around though, you don’t want any note to miss.

9. Repeat major words in the songs.

gibber

The phrases you want people to easily remember must be repeated often, you know they say “repetition enhances remembering” Yes. don’t make them bleh like “Sengemenge or Okpekete” Make sure they are things that can be used in daily banter like “ghen ghen” and “sinzu” You don’t even have to come up with a new one. Do a Wizkid and put ALL into your song.

10. At the end of the song, do a shout out. Tell us the name of your DJ, shout out to your ‘fans’ in the abroad, your record label, Shout out to your “fellow artistes” who are NOT in the song. Who said you can’t famz? Abeg, na their papa press the coal tar?

blow

Adapted from The Sarcastic Center.

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27 thoughts on “The Big Bang Theory of making it in music

Add yours

  1. Yo yo yo.. Shout out to all my homeless.. Sorry hommies.. Its ur boy wenkidudule… Hehehehe… Kola i mst hammer for this recession..

    Like

  2. ROTFLMAO. You forgot to tell them to rent a car that will be packed in the fromt yard. Plus invent your own dance and make sure all your friends are lying about learning to dance. That way even if they don’t remember you they remember the dance.
    I love this post!

    Like

  3. You forgot to add this:
    gather as much fake jewelry as you possibly can and make sure the cameraman doesn’t come too close to you (else we would see the rusted parts). then have the editor put HUGE stars on the FAKE blings – for full effect

    Like

  4. Songs like ‘dis girl dey do me like ebola fever’, ‘she wan finish me like lasser fever’. ‘I no go let her dry up my river’

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    1. Abbie, mehn uv hammered with this lyrics already o…it’s just in time. Just call me to feature in d video, I will dance in bikini n pop champagne…lol!
      But really,nothing has ached my ears like the music lyrics I hear dz days. I wonder how they feel watching themselves in the crap.
      Thanks Kola for ur post, I needed a break from this long n tiring training

      Like

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