Some time back, I read the book ‘the 5 love languages’ by Gary Chapman. I was sorta kinda having the good old relationship issues- I’m sure you’ve experienced one of those too. Anyway, the girl I was seeing at the time, recommended the book.
The book basically talks about understanding how your spouse views your “Love actions” towards them and how they’ll receive the love you want to shower on them. The revealing part of my experience with this book is that we all have love languages. These love languages are really classified under the Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages”.
A short way to explain the whole idea is that: a person who loves your attention and company more than the huge amount of gifts you buy will not feel loved enough if you spoil her with more gifts than quality time/attention. You on the other hand, are left wondering why your spouse still feels you don’t love her after all the numerous gifts you buy. You’re not speaking her love language.
Before applying the words from this post, please note this: The love language principles only work for couples who actually WANT their relationship to work. Relationships do not work out, you work them out.
Introducing: the love language, “Words of Affirmation”.
To give your spouse a verbal compliment is one of many ways to express love in the form of words of affirmation to your spouse. Another route you can take is giving encouraging words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” The bitter truth is that we all have insecurities. We lack courage to face a certain side of us, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do either for our selves or for others. The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity a lot of times, await your words of encouragement. In this era of diverse social media distraction, increasing unfaithfulness and insecurity in relationships, affirming your spouse of your intact love and desire for them might be the key to bliss, even if their top “love language” is not words of affirmation.
If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation, the following applies to you:
1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirmation” is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following on a 3×5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily: Words are important! Words are important! Words are important! It might sound corny or cheesy, but hey, aiming to please your partner is the goal.
2. For 3 weeks (the 21 day habit idea), keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day. At the end of the week, sit down and review your record. On Monday, I said: “You did a great job on this meal.” “You really look nice in that outfit.” “I really appreciate your picking up the laundry.” On Tuesday, I said: (whatever you choose to say). You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking her/his love language.
3. Set a goal to give your spouse a different complement each day for one month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. You also want to make sure you’re doing this from your heart, it’ll help you stick to it after that one month and it’ll all be genuine.
4. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse, and give it quietly or with fanfare. (Chances are, after many years, when he or she is departed from this world before you, you will find your love letter tucked away.) Words are important!
5. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his/her parents, friends, even “frenimies”. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Even then, make sure this is a genuine act.
6. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are, he/she will work hard to live up to her reputation.
7. Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind your spouse’s back and in his/her presence. Your children will learn how to appreciate their future spouses.
8. Write a poem describing how you feel about your spouse. If you are not a poet, choose a card that expresses how you feel. Underline special words and add a few of your own at the end. She didn’t marry a poet, so it’s okay if you don’t write like Shakespeare.
9. If you find speaking “Words of Affirmation” is difficult for you, practice in front of a mirror. Use a cue card if you must, and remember, words are important. In the end, all you’re really trying to do is make sure your partner enjoys your union as much as possible. So it is okay if you don’t sound as eloquent as a Ted Talk guest speaker.
The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.
You can take the love language test here
Next love language: Quality time.