Aboard the Air Force One


I natter around alot. In conversations, on the internet and in my mind. So I wondered what it is like to fly aboard the Air Force One ( the official carrier of the President of The United States of America). Guess what? Some people who had worked with him, who were not staff of the Presidency or cabin crew did have some things to say. Intriguing, I must say.

Air Force One Mini Series:  On Board Air Force One
NGCUS  - Ep Code: 4206

Here’s an excerpt from my reading:

Peter Marquez, Space policy geek.

It’s awesome. I only got to fly on her once. I really wish some other former White House staff would answer some of these questions- I know A LOT of other people flew on AF1 and have much better information than I have.

The staff is amazing and after flying on AF1 you will NEVER want to fly commercial again. The experience starts before you even get on the plane.  You are transported from the White House to Andrews and you get to drive right up to the airplane and leave the vehicle and walk up into the plane.  (Only the president and his close staff get the Marine 1 transport to Andrews)

It’s very comfortable- huge seats, desks and tables for working. A full conference room with flat screens and video teleconferencing capability. There’s a computer room with Internet access.

One of the greatest things about AF1 has nothing to do with the aircraft itself– it’s the people that make AF1 run.  All of the AF1 staff appear to really enjoy their jobs and they take great pride in their work.  It definitely appeared that none of them took this great opportunity for granted.  They are also well versed in the history of AF1 and can tell you stories about all the previous AF1s.

The trip I was on was very short.  We were flying from DC to Kennedy Space Center for a speech President Obama was giving.   During the flight I had been helping to work and rework a speech the President was about to give. He kept coming out of his cabin with more edits and changes.  After another round of edits from the boss an attendant looked at me and asked if I needed anything. I jokingly said, “Yes, a nice strong drink. Preferably a single malt” (it was about 9 or 10AM). Without pausing the attendant asks, “what brand and what year?” I had to tell him I was joking.

In addition to my colleagues and a few members of Congress we also had Buzz Aldrin on the flight.  Dr. Aldrin was seated next to me at our table and he starts to get a bit fidgety, he looks around, and he says, “You wanna go take a look around?”

So I stop working for a minute and Dr. Aldrin and I start checking out AF1.  We make it over to the stairs that lead to the upper deck and cockpit and one of the staff members asks if we want to head upstairs and check out the cockpit.  Dr. Aldrin got a big smile on his face and looked at me- we were both smiling like little kids.  Did we want to see the cockpit of AF1? Seriously? You have to ask?

So Dr. Aldrin and I make it up to the flight deck and all of the Air Force officers are in awe of this moon walker and here’s Buzz Aldrin happy as a little kid because he’s hanging out in the cockpit of AF1.  Dr. Aldrin goes into the cockpit and I stand outside of it with my head sticking through the doorway.  So here I am- essentially a nobody and I’m hanging out in the cockpit of AF1, with the pilots, while AF1 is in flight, and I’m with Buzz Aldrin.  Somewhere back in time the 10 year old version of me was saying, “You have got to be kidding me…”

It was way too short of a flight. But just a couple of more interesting bits.

First, as we started to descend I instinctively went back to my seat and buckled up.  But I noticed a lot of the other “frequent flyers” were still up and walking around.  So I asked one of them, “When are we supposed to sit down?”  They just kind of laughed at my “noob question” and said something to the effect of– “You don’t really have to sit down at all just watch how the pilot lands this thing.”  So people were still up and walking around as the plane landed. For someone who had only flown commercial it was a fascinating to me for some reason.  Sure enough- the pilot put her down like a feather and came to a gentle stop. Second, we landed on the space shuttle runway.

Another thing that blew my mind.  Of course we were going to an event at Kennedy Space Center so the closest runway is the space shuttle runway- but landing in AF1 on the space shuttle runway was more mind blowing then not having to sit down during landing.

Finally, you get a bill for the food you eat on AF1 (this may be the only thing AF1 has in common with United).  Since you are eating a meal on AF1 you are doing so at taxpayer expense.  This means you have to reimburse the government for whatever you ate.  That’s completely fair and the right thing to do but it’s something you wouldn’t immediately consider when flying on AF1.  So about a week after my AF1 flight I got a bill sent to me for the lunch I ate on AF1.  That bill made for a great souvenir.

One more thing- if you make a phone call from AF1 it’s routed through a couple of operators who sit up on the flight deck.  They make the outgoing call for you and then they connect you to the person once they make the call.  The cool part is that when they call person for you they say something to the effect of (my memory is a bit fuzzy here), “This is Air Force One, we have a call from <whatever your name is> can you hold while I connect you?” I think just receiving a call from AF1 would be amazing.

 

Jim Long , veteran, Washington, DC based, network news cameraman.

I occasionally fly on Air Force One as part of my job covering the White House as a network news cameraman for NBC.  The best part of traveling on Air Force One is walking on and walking off the plane.  That’s where the adventure is.  You’ve landed and you have to run to your motorcade vehicle – for us it’s “Camera 1” – or you’re boarding the plane, about to embark on a global journey, sometimes a very secret one.

 

I’ve had some memorable flights on the plane.  I’ve done interviews with Presidents on the plane, one while in-flight, with Tom Brokaw and Brian Williams. On a trip to Rome for the funeral of Pope John Paul II, we had 41, 42, and 43 on board. I was on the aircraft when Katrina hit New Orleans.  I remember them calling AP photographer Susan Walsh up to the front cabin to take the picture of Bush peering down at the disaster below. The staff is wonderful.  The even treat the press well! We are relegated to the aft of the aircraft and occasionally the President will come back to speak with the us.  The flying part is just flying, but on AF1 you’re always part of history in the making.  That’s pretty cool.

katrina

 

Joe Lockhart, Former White House Press Secretary

Without a doubt, the best plane in the world to fly on.  First and most importantly, you feel absolutely safe.  No matter how bad the weather conditions or turbulence you always have the feeling that, because the President of the United States in onboard, nothing bad can happen.  It’s the best pilots, the best maintained and crewed airplane in the world.  And, there are no delays or lost luggage. It’s also quite comfortable. A commercial 747 normally seats several hundred people.  The normal Air Force One flight generally has about 50-60 people on board.  While it’s not outfitted like some billionaires private jet, there is plenty of room and plenty of room to work — which is what most people are doing most of the time on the plane. There are a variety of other perks, great movies(although i don’t recommend Air Force One while on Air Force One), getting to watch yourself land on live TV and lots of things with the Air Force One branding that magically disappear each flight. But without a doubt, the best part is who you are traveling with.  My favorite scene was the senior staff cabin one trip with Presidents Bush and President Ford asleep in their seats and President Carter asleep stretched out on the floor.

Rakesh Agrawal, 4 MM frequent flier miles and counting

It depends on who you are: the President and family, invited dignitaries, White House staff, Secret Service or press. All have different experiences. The big advantages of flying on Air Force One:

  • Hobnobbing with power players. By definition, Air Force One is a plane with the President on it. There are many aircraft that have been used as Air Force One. Currently, there are two VC-25s (essentially heavily modified 747s) that serve as Air Force One. There are usually other top aides and members of the press.
  • Don’t have to deal with the TSA (the Nigerian version is NAHCO), though you do have to deal with the Secret Service.
  • Priority landing.
  • The big downside is that if you’re on the plane, you’re probably working.

7 countries in 7 days


“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover’’

– H. Jackson Brown Jr.

 

I never for once considered myself as a well-travelled individual. I’ve been to a few cities albeit common and not so exciting; London, Paris, New York, Dubai, Dublin and the list goes on. I developed a soft spot for all afore mentioned cities, but if you told me you were going to any of these for vacation I would literally squint at you till you get the message (Yo, im not saying I won’t go if offered o).

 

Summer 2015 I decided to do something different, I got an idea to visit more than 7 countries in the space of 7 nights. Crazy Crazy Crazy!! What was I thinking, how could I afford such? How much do I even have as savings? Before I go on, my uncle always said a knowledgeable man is a powerful man, if you don’t ask questions you will never know.

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So here we go, I got an idea to go on a boat cruise with friends touring the eastern Caribbean countries. My itinerary looked something like this:

Lagos – Houston – Fort Lauderdale-Bahamas- St.Thomas -St.Marteen – Eleuthera – Barbados – Jamaica – Fort Lauderdale – Houston – Maryland – Lagos.

 

  1. Lagos – Houston: I was all too familiar with this route, standard 12 hour flight to George W Bush Airport Houston. At the time, United Airline was the only carrier that offered this direct flight to Houston, pretty long flight but relatively stress free.
  2. Houston – Fort Lauderdale: The fun actually began here, 2 hour airport wait went by so fast. Flew united to Florida, upon landing the pilot couldn’t ‘’taxi’’ because there was a thunderstorm and appaz it’s a health & safety hazard because someone got hit by lightening the previous week. Well, this was no problem till I realized I had just 45 mins left to catch the ship.
  3. Fort Lauderdale: America is really beautiful. It trips me knowing that all states are almost as equal in development, unlike most African countries where civilization and development is centered in the capital. We need CHANGE!

Major key 1: To embark on the cruise, all you need is an American Visa, that covers all countries visited.

Take a deep breathe now, and gush at the ‘canoe’ I used in visiting 7 countries:

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  1. Port le Fort Lauderdale: The first thing that catches you is the size of the ship. The Oasis beats the Titanic in every dimension. The titanic was around 46,000gt, carrying about 3547 passengers and crew (credits to google) while the oasis measures 225,000gt (5 times bigger than Titanic!!) and can carry a maximum of 8,471 passengers on 17 deck. Yes 17 story building on water.

interiorIMG-20160816-WA014IMG-20160816-WA025

 

 

 

 

Major key 2 : Tickets for the cruise are booked months in advance for best rates and do NOT FORGET YOUR PASSPORT AT HOME.

Check in: the check-in process is very straightforward, there are literally no queues and once you board the ship, it’s literally an entirely different world. You are given a smart card that serves as your ATM card on the ship, access card to your room and has all other personal details. Minority report kinda stuff.Forgot to mention.

IMG-20160816-WA027IMG-20160816-WA026Fort Lauderdale – Bahamas: Nassau was the first stop, it took us about 10-15 hours from the port and you wake up to scenes of the sun rising over the great city of Atlantis.

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Nassau, Bahamas: I’ve heard so many great things of this city, unfortunately as a tourist entering via the port. You aren’t allowed to go beyond the tourist areas, sort of like a high street where tourists are entertained. There are no physical restrictions against going beyond this high street, but you are sternly advised not to, to prevent harassment from the locals.Nassau has semblances to Lagos Airport, upon arrival at the port you are greeted with a host of locals who are trying to hustle you to patronize them. Tourism is their major source of revenue. And weed of course.

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I have a long list of countries I would want to visit next. I’ve learnt not to bother spending a lot for cliché trips……….

if you want to see more of travel related posts, click here.

Selfies. 


Have you noticed that some friends, when using their folks’ pictures, use the same thing. Be it mother’s day, birthday, burial anniversary, or when they want to show appreciation to them.
Apparently,many of us do not deem it fit to take Selfies with siblings any  parents. I’ve met folks who would go through so much trouble trying to locate a family member’s picture. And then I wonder why.
Il tell you this: taking Selfies or pictures with them make them feel so loved. Remember, they come from a generation where cameras and pictures were a big deal, and that mindset hasn’t really cleared off completely. I remember a while ago,at d advent of the camera phone,my mum would complain of taking too much pictures,as if I’m wasting film( as seen in d cameras of old). Take pictures of, and with them, and let them have so many pictures,as it keeps memories. Like i’ll always say, they need next to nothing from us. Just some attention,care, love and grandchildren, I guess.
Secondly, remember they are attaining their prime. And as such, Heaven might be calling soon. Other than the memories of experiences, pictures are the next best bet. I could spend 2 hours going through my parent’s hard copy pictures .
For a refresher on how to make folks feel great again, click here.
Have fun,guys!!!

The good side of being a side chick


This is part of a tri-pisode, which was written for a relationship magazine, for fun. So its out of the usual inspiring posts I have.
oh well, lets just have fun reading.

sidee

 

As a guy or lady, it kinda pays to have or be a side chick. The reasons are not far fetched……….

1. It’s acceptable by the society. We don’t want to call it cheating, and more importantly, we need to make it seem right. So a nice name had to be given. It’s like saying baby daddy instead of ‘out of wedlock”. In the real sense of it, a side chick is another lady you are seeing or dating. It’s a funkified and refurbished word for cheating. Since the society frowns at cheating, we get someone who is just like an assistant girlfriend.

2. Lesser drama. The main bae is consoled that she’s got number 1 spot, and so can careless about the side ones. And from the side chick’s perspective, she knows she isn’t he main, and doesn’t have to bother herself about mundane, petty and trivial issues. As a guy, you eat your cake and have it. Lucky guys would be side dude to a side chick. This just makes it even. Just be careful to not rub it in the face of the side chick that she’s on the side.

3. Emotional stability. If the main is acting up, small thing. Call the side bae, and talk to her. She fills in the gap, and before you know it, you are more emotionally stable. When either acts up, the other is there as solace for you. If both act up, get a second side chick!!! From the lady’s end, because she knows the rules of the game, her heart is basically not involved, so there’s no room for heart skip or break.

4. Variety. I expect that main bae and side chick should be contrasting. Main should be drop dead, gorgeous , Kush taking, party rocker , pepper seller daughter while side chick is the church, nerdy, “daughters of Sarah skirt”, get high on Smirnoff, daughter of a senator kind of babe. It’s just so perfect when both of them have unique but contrasting traits. So if variety is your thing, get some of them by the side. And for the lady, it’s expected that this guy is rich oooo. So a rich guy would bring in more to the table, and so you have varieties of human hair, YSL bags and the likes. So it pays you better.

sideeewe

 

5. You get to do more with her. Things that are too sane or decent; things that you cannot do freely with the main. Technically, she gets to know you more. You might not spend all the time with her, but you get to be more intimate with her. Chances are that you tell her more of your issues and challenges than you tell boss lady.

6. Usually truthful. You barely have to lie to the side chick. In the first place, his whereabouts and communications are not your business. But if you insist on the details, he would most likely spill the truth. If he’s out with the boys, chances are high he’s correct. And if he says he’s with madam, he probably is with her. The only exception is maybe when he’s with the 2nd side chick.

7. Most importantly, the reason why you need a side chick(or to be a side chick) is because you are still a child and not ready to be serious!!!!!!!!!

Ҏµ₰$҂

The Anti-Beard Gang


MOIOIOI

When I was growing up, relaxing my hair and trying to have curls or sportin’ waves was synonymous with me. Everything to catch the feminine attention, and of course, keep her glued to me. But then, the hair really wasn’t enough.

 

So they said height was the thing. Choi, I’m a true son of my father, and on that note, they did not share the jaw dropping height to my family. I’m average height, and that makes my mum and I the tallest in the house. Nonetheless, I got some really nice ladies. Trust me, some were the envy of tall brothers.

 

Ok, then I was skinny. No food, no vacation, no relaxation added theweight. I remember someone I was dating while still very lanky really emphasizing how I needed to gain some weight. Long story short, bobo added weight, but then we split. Then came the next girlfriend who felt I was fat!! Seriously!!? So I tried getting slimmer, and got a sit up bench for my apartment, and cut on the cold stone and junk.

 

Just a few days into this therapy, I met this amazing lady who just fell in love with my tummy. Oh, it was mind blowing. She would complement it, I wonder, could this be true?

 

beard gang

Fast forward to today.

 

These ladies don’t want height, or a flat tummy, or good English again. Its beards!

1 of my sweet talk lines used to be ‘you should be cool dating someone like me. I look younger than my age. So when I’m 30,i’ll look 24; when I’m 50, I’ll look 38’. That can’t work again, because they don’t want young looks. Beards definitely make you look older. Jeez, it impedes romance. I’m even going to be very selfish here! Why would you want your man looking older? Isn’t fresh face meant to be the in-thing?

 

A movement starts today. It’s the Anti-beard Rebels.

 

If I leave spirit permanently on my chin, this beards won’t even be bushy in a year. I’m not hairy, so does that mean I can’t get all this pretty ‘beard gang’ ladies? This my naturally endowed/enhanced pink lips isn’t enough? I talk with my nose (from birth though), and the hearts aren’t melting?

 

Brothers, ignore the abs, beards, and height or black lips. Look good, and be consistent with the bae. Nothing works better than consistency. They are gonna raise the standards and bar so high, but as long as you treat her right, she would bulge. Did I say you shouldn’t hit the gym, or stay trendy or unattractive to the woman you desire? No. But if nature doesn’t give you those attributes, use the ones you can develop yourself.

 

And if she doesn’t bulge, it’s not meant to be.

Thus, over to the next!!!

 

Signed: League of Unbearded Gentlemen (LUG).

Nigeria VS East Africa – Review of my tour


Whoop! Been a while! I’ve missed writing, trust me. Too busy. My ‘twin’ sister got married and I represented my dad at the wedding. twin Then I’ve been on a mini tour of East Africa, as I said I’ll do in a post emphasizing the need for a vacation. So far, I’ve touched Kenya, Rwanda and Tanzania (and I’m not done). And I’ll do a comparison between Nigeria and East Africa (EA for short). Sit back, enjoy and see who wins. For each category, there’s a winner, and trust me, it’s going to be hilarious. P.S: I spent about 3 weeks, and saw not everything. So this analysis is not necessarily perfect. Pun intended. Cars and Automobiles: As a Nigerian, or Lagosian, G-Wagons, Range Rovers, and the likes are common. Here, I did NOT see ANY G-wagon(more like there are no G-Wags, autobiography, Bentleys or sport cars). A few 2007 range rovers, saw a G-class once. You know how hard it is to find a Ferrari in Ajegunle, that’s how hard it is to find our regular cars (Honda, KIA, Hyundai and co). I think Toyota is the official car in East Africa. And I’m not talking of Camry and Avalon. Here, you see find the ones you never knew exist. Allion, Noah, Mark V, Grande, Probox and a long list. Ooh yess, in EA, while driving, cyclists and also animals(especially cows) compete for the road with you. Animals have right of passage on many roads. And I don’t mean goats and chicken, I mean real animals. Driving to Mombassa (a city in Kenya), you drive by parks and see wild animals in their habitat, undisturbed. So for automobiles, its Nig 1- EA 0. The Babes: hian, my hosts and I would argue till forever on this, but I stand my ground. Naija babes are the bomb compared to EA. Call us vain, call us artificial, I accept. A typical Nigerian lady consciously wants to look good and attractive. Nails, rubywoo, make-up, etc. The definition of good looking here is different abeg. Quite frankly, I dint meet any lady that got me ‘oh la la-ing’. Now, I appreciate the Brazilian hair and stuff. Dudes, you don’t want your babe in some ‘just there’ hair, or face. Went to the University thinking my morale would be enhanced, it fell the more. And yes, I think being light skinned here is a crime (shoot me). Also, the few ladies I met, had an issue with keeping in touch. Now, maybe, just maybe, they are so committed, and don’t loaf around newly met guys, but biko, why did you offer your number? You could have come out straight and said no. But if you meet a typical Nigerian lady, she’s either nice, or not. They don’t ignore your messages and stuff. Plan to meet an East African babe for a 2nd date, you would wait till your visa expires. So far, it’s. Nig 2- EA 0. The Anti-Social Behavior: SAMSUNG CSC Now, a Nigerian lady drives a solid car, and takes hours to get set, to attend an event, only to get there and start pinging or doing something on her phone. In EA, it’s not really like that. They aren’t attached to their phones as we are. I was called anti-social a good number of times. You could attend a house party, and they tell you to drop your phone in a bag at the door. Loll, a Nigerian can turn back just because of that. Hmmmn,so it’s Nig 2 – EA 1. Weddings and Celebrations: Oh gosh, they are simple. We in Nigeria, we know, Aso Ebi 1st, then 4-course meal, best of drinks and all. Here, na lie. Attended a wedding, most peeps were in jeans, trousers, shirts, you know, dressed like they were off to a movie. It’s shocking and amazing. And they eat the way they would eat at home. And no sourvenierssss!!! In Nigeria, I think we put too much emphasis on the guests and social status, meanwhile in EA, it’s about the couple or celebrants. They got full attention from the guests, and were made to feel excited. This is dicey, I can’t tell if our culture is better or theirs. But I’ll give it to them for simplicity sake. Thus, Nig 2- EA 2. Standard of Living: I dint do a good survey of a decent salary, so I can’t say if the rents are expensive or not. Typically, if you live close to the Island, or City Centre, you pay more rent. Thus, a 2 bedroom house in 1004 estate is not less than 1.8million, while theirs is about 1million. This comes with uninterrupted power supply, and a very tasty apartment. You know all these serviced apartments we hype in Nigeria, that’s what a basic, average person in EA lives in, at half the price of what we pay. Ooops, EA leads, beating Nigeria 3-2. Please bear with me, it ends soon. The Clubs. No debate, no plenty talks, we beat EA hands down. In short, I can angrily give 5 points for this. I go to a club, and they are serving canned/bottled beer. Whaaaaaat?! The biggest guys are doing Red Label, at half our price. The Babes are dressed like they are going to shop. Ooh no, I was depressed. However, I attended a Rugby game, and there was an after party. That’s where most babes turnt up (they can grind for Africa though). But do I have to wait for a Rugby game after-party to have fun? Please please Nig 3 – EA 3. Their culture: adults greet with this kiss on the cheek, as the queen of England would do. That’s not too common in Nigeria. We just hug or shake or do a fist bump. That’s not an edge over us, durh. But this is strange to me: you can’t just call a guy or lady to come and chill with you. It’s like ‘seriously’? If I have 2 friends in the house, and need to play a game for 4 people, I can easily call a babe to come, and it’s no biggie. Here, it’s just doesn’t sound right. To me, that’s weird, and so I give it to Nigeria. Nig 4 – EA 3. Dressing. Earlier said, we Nigerians do better with looks. Both Formal and casual dressing, we are icons. If Ope Hussain, Busayo and Boye Kasali or Frankie J were here, they would be deported for good dressing. East Africans just combine something, and that’s it. My host is a DJ, and doesn’t wear formal clothes, so for him, I understand why I couldn’t get a cufflink. But I looked around, its rare. I have loads, every Nigerian has plenty. You know, I mean, it’s like. Yes yes Nig 5 – EA 3. Food: SAMSUNG CSC In EA, every gas/petrol station has like 5 eateries. Eating out is a norm, and what do they sell? Chips and chicken. Like seriously? Only an eatery, I repeat, only 1, sells rice (not even KFC). For once, I miss rice!!! They’ve got different types of chips, different types of chicken, then the regulars, like pizza, ice cream and all that boring stuff(in a sarcastic tone). I need to host some EA indigenes in Nigeria. Since I miss rice, I’m forced to say Nig 6 – EA 3. So Nigerian wins, thank You. Ok, I think I’m done with my bants and rants. I definitely had a great time. With the massais, seeing a rugby game, trying out new food, feeding lions and giraffes, meeting people, a ride in the desert. I was even on national TV and DSTV for a show, and was given some 10 minutes to talk. The only thing I did not do was skydiving. That’s been reserved for South Africa. massaii gir rugby desert To my hosts, Sanch and Shawn, Nigeria awaits you. can’t thank you enough Then you have the chance to do your analysis also. sanch shawn

The Big Bang Theory of making it in music


Of recent, I’ve been thinking, if I were to change my profession, what would I do? A career path that’s fun and also very rewarding. Then it occurred to me that entertainment (especially music) and football thrives so well.

I won’t dabble into football. I suck at that sport. Both in reality and in video games. The last time I played football, it was tagged ‘comedy hour’, where all the very poor players were involved. And I fell ill for the next 2 days, because of the stress.

The last time I did professional or serious minded singing, was at a church (Jesus Cadet) in Ibadan. During the auditioning, I was told my voice has no class. Alto, soprano, bass and the last one (something like techno, can’t remember), I dint fit into any of them. So somehow somehow, I left the choir.

Oh well, fast forward to today. The days of good voice and mind blowing lyrics are fast fading. Less than 49% music fans listen to good music, and on that note, this post is for those with the ambition of singing the regular kinda songs we listen to now.

1. Remember to shout “it’s your boy/girl” when you release that single.

shout out

It doesn’t matter if no one knows who you are. It’s essential you connect to your imaginary fan base. Do not be fazed by the fact that the only people that believe in you are actually your partner (who is hoping you’ll blow so he/she can move up the ladder of success) Ensure you Shout this at every opportunity. If you are not sure of your sex, a good phrase will be “it’s me again” Yes, it also doesn’t matter that it’s your first time.

2. You must also let us know that you’ve come a long way.

long way

Saying “it’s been a long time coming” is a good way to achieve this. Of course, it don’t matter that you decided to enter the music scene after reading on Leenda ikaygees blog that Davido (your mate) bought a N2million necklace. Let us know that you’ve been in this long time and this is it finally.

3. Depending on your genre of music…you know what scratch that. No matter what you’re singing, use words that don’t make sense. Statistics have shown that the more gibberish you throw into your songs, the more appreciated it is. Ask Orezi, D’prince and May D

4. You know you must HAVE a Twitter account, right?

twitter

Even if you won’t tweet shit (which I advise), get your friends or the members of the Twitter cabal to help hype your song. What? Its crap? Do they care? They actually won’t listen to it but they have the ability to sell ice to Eskimos. Grease palms a bit and voila! Oh! While you’re at it, go to some nice studio and get album art done. LOOOOL! I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE AN ALBUM!!!

5. Now that people have hopefully DL’d and listened to your art.

promo

Note: Use words like “art” instead of “music, song” to show how deep you are, Ignore the haters. Haters gon’ hate. They aren’t of the same intellectual level as you are so their opinion is shit. Make CD copies of your songs and take to radio stations. Note you have to start with the ones that don’t mind helping out new folk. Places like Maulag FM, Wazobia FM.

6. Woot Woot!!

hype

Your song was sampled on Maulag FM. Who’s the star now? Nigga you don did it *chest bump* ungh!!! You gotta hype that shit. Get your friend to take pictures of your studio time and put it up everywhere; facebook, Twitter, make flyers. Let people know you’ve arrived niccur. YEAH!

7. Now, let’s make a video. C’mon man, the Nigerian music scene isn’t complete without videos. SEXY GIRLS. Tell your sister, girlfriend, fellow church usher to invite her friends for your house party. I understand that there’s no money. Oh you squat? No biggie, find some friend, that’s what they’re there for. Promise him some position when you blow, Manager or a Sina Rambo, B-red kinda role. Yes. So all set, now the girls, if you tell them to come for a video shoot, they’ll be expecting some form of payment. Invite them for a party and let your song be playing loudly in the background. Make sure your invisible friend is filming it all.

8. No matter how broke you are, you MUST buy or rent plenty bottles of champagne, drinks etc.

champagne

What? You don’t have to do much. Make sure you pop ONLY ONE. Your cameraman must get that exact shot; where the bottle pops. If you can lay your hands on any hard currency also, make sure it shows. Be careful how you throw it around though, you don’t want any note to miss.

9. Repeat major words in the songs.

gibber

The phrases you want people to easily remember must be repeated often, you know they say “repetition enhances remembering” Yes. don’t make them bleh like “Sengemenge or Okpekete” Make sure they are things that can be used in daily banter like “ghen ghen” and “sinzu” You don’t even have to come up with a new one. Do a Wizkid and put ALL into your song.

10. At the end of the song, do a shout out. Tell us the name of your DJ, shout out to your ‘fans’ in the abroad, your record label, Shout out to your “fellow artistes” who are NOT in the song. Who said you can’t famz? Abeg, na their papa press the coal tar?

blow

Adapted from The Sarcastic Center.