Perks Of Residing Outside Nigeria – part 1


So I started this PORN series. Don’t get too excited. Perks Of Residing outside Nigeria is what’s PORN means.

I’ve been to a few countries but the United States of America is the one I can say I’ve lived in. Not the regular vacation life. And I would wanna share some perks about living outside Naija, so you decide if you wanna stick to it or pack and leave.
The system works. Like it or not, but Nigerians are not used to a working system. There’s nothing like over speeding or DUI. ‎

So you beat the red light, what happens? You tip the policeman or Lastma guy an amount that is never up to $20 in Nigerian Naira. And life is good, everyone is happy!
Me, I was jejely using my international license, and blowing my rented 2017 Audi A4, doing 110km/hr on a high way and my passen‎ger asked me to slow down. I did, and some seconds later, I see a cop holding Xray Speedometer hiding in the corner.

In the US, the minimum you get is $150. And guess what? It doesn’t end there. Driving tickets increases your compulsory monthly insurance payments, can take you to court, prevent you from getting certain jobs or make your plate number juicy to the eyes of cops.

You know why that cops lay in ambush to catch erring drivers? Because they have targets/ quotas they gotta meet.  Your best bet is to use a GPS map called WAZE which detects cops and stuff.
You go to the church, and ushers don’t have to tell you where to sit. Why? Cause the members know how to sit orderly and not press their phones. We we? Omo, we need ushers and holy police to park our cars and tell us to wake up (as if they are God) or not press our phones.
I’m not advocating for crime and lawlessness, but you can almost go free for a crime in Nigeria. Here? You can’t even spend anyhow without some agency picking it up.
So you see, in certain regards, Niaja better oo…
Or what do you think? Continue in the comments section. ‎

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Bachelor’s Sojourn- Part 9


The adventures of Omo Otunba started from Part 1. Click here to see how the journey started.

 

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Madam flip it over! Come, let me tell you something in your ears’ were my hello to her as I walked up to her in the compound. Those lines had been my favorite tease in the last 4 months since she left Netherlands. And you know the funny part? She had no idea what was happening that night. She still thinks I cooked up the story. Once again, I say ‘alcohol is a binssh’. She walked up to me, and I was back to assessing her. Her high waist leopard pencil skirt and black shirt looked so good on her. She used hair extensions, which covered half of her face, and fell to her shoulders. Her heels made her seem almost my height.

‘oh gosh! Am I gonna hear the end of it? I still don’t believe you’ she said, as she slapped the back of my head(as Banky W does to Ikechukwu in the movie “wedding party) and pulled me to a squeezing hug.

My hands were exploring every corner of her body while hugging. Omo, I don miss this babe die.
Over the next few days, I settled back in Nigeria. My ex flings, Instagram DM sliders and hook ups kept setting P with me, and trust the brother not to dull. There’s something that comes with being an ‘I Just Got Back’. Seems everyone sees you as refined goal. I got my groove back and was giving it to anyone who wanted a doze. Confam Omo baba ee.

As typical with old age, Otunba had diabetes and high blood pressure, which reduced his frequency at work. Only important meetings were attended. This earned me the role ‘General Manager’ at his Company. I didn’t waste time in getting used to my new role. I just ensured I employed a corper from Unilag as my Personal Assistant/ Secretary, to attend to all my ‘personal’ needs. Cooling blood in the office was a necessity, and I planned to change them every year, replacing with a new corper.

Well, it wasn’t long before I started office romance with Juliet, my dear secretary. It was an easy arrangement for both parties. I mean, it was going well, until this fine day when JD came to see me at work. I met her at the entrance, and we went to my office together. I got busy with some files while she played Candy crush on my phone.

‘Who’s Juliet Jay’, she asks?
‘the Secretary’ I said.
‘ Deji? Is this your phone?’ said JD
‘yes, why not?’
She stands up, pick up her bag and heads out.
I was totally lost. I quickly grab my phone to see what’s going on. That’s when I realized fire had engulfed the mountain.

What happened? You know I’m a sharp guy, right? You can’t find incriminating messages on my phone, which is why I could leave it with JD. However, unfortunately for me, Juliet starts sending raunchy messages while JD was with the phone.
‘hmmmn, someone else is coming to give you soul food, right?’
‘she can’t do it like I do. I’m still your best’
‘let her not take it all o. Leave some for me’
‘should I come in to have a peep’
‘you aren’t replying me? You are cheating on me already ‘
‘I would deprive you the goodies and booty. You sure you wanna miss all that?’

The messages were all popping at the top of the phone, as notifications. I grew instantly weak. Sweat pangs formed, hands were shaking, eyes got red. I walked fast, and when outside the building, ran towards JD’s car. She was leaning on it, with her head on the car roof.

‘Babe, I’m sorry. We only flirt. We don’t do anything. She means nothing. I won’t trade what we have for something random’. I kept begging, and swearing and saying everything that came to mind.

‘Aargh, DJ. I’m burnt! I mean, I’d heard a lot but I chose not to believe. I chose to trust you. Would you have asked me for sex and I would refuse you? If you wanted it so bad, I would have allowed you. You just proved that men are really not worth it. And if men are worth it, you aren’t worth it. No wonder she looked at me in a down grading manner. I can stand anything, but I can’t stand physical violence and cheating. I’m out, boy!’

I tried to touch her, and prevent her from opening the door.
‘Don’t make this story something else. Just let me be, Deji’, she said.

I stand back and watch her drive away. My life paused. I didn’t know who to blame. My middle leg? My thirst for adventure? The trouble unilag ladies bring? Or is it because she’s ibo, and I’ve been warned they are dramatic? Or its iPhone notification method? Was it my fault to have allowed her access to my phone?

I don’t know what I’ll do, but JD can’t go. I would be a world class loser if she slips off my hands. I know begging and time works on ladies, right? But she doesn’t seem like she would give me that audience.

If she doesn’t accept, I’m probably never gonna marry. None can be compared to her.

 

THE END

 

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Guys, thanks for following. Please drop comments on how you found the story. I hope you truly enjoyed the series.

Major appreciation to my editor and reviewer: Felicia Akanmu

My next series would be called “Travails of a First Timer’ which talks about someone’s first time in the USA, and highlights the not too good side of living in the United States.

See you in the comment section below.

 

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Bachelor’s sojourn – Part 8


The adventures of Omo Otunba started from Part 1. Click here to see how the journey started.
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JD came to see me that night, straight from work. Baby girl couldn’t wait to take it. I don’t know why I use that ‘take it’ phrase, when you and I know she’s Virgin Mary’s sister and there’s nothing to take. Besides, it had only being just 4 months since we last saw. Yes, 4 months, because she came 3 months into my stay in Netherlands. How did I miss that part? But yes, my very own Jadesola came visiting. She told her parents it was office training, and at work, she asked for a leave of absence for 3 days, which coincided with Easter holidays, so she came to see me. 
 
I met her at the airport and she was a beauty to behold. JD hardly uses make up. She’s a basic lipstick, small brown powder, and brush eyebrows person. This time around, I guess she did some extra work in the airport toilet as regards the painting of her face. She wore a black leggings, brow timberland boots, with a round neck top with a picture which had a mirror in the middle, with inscription JD on one side, and the other side of the mirror was the reflection of JD, translated as DJ, and a red plaid/checkered shirt tied to her waist. She jumped on me, and locked her legs around my waist, and planted a long kiss. Dang, I maintained her position with my hands on her waist, and kept kissing. I had missed this babe, man. No one seemed to notice us, trust Europeans. I mean this reaction from JD was shocking. She was a typical conservative lady, who doesn’t fancy public display of affection, and doesn’t obvious pictures of me on the gram. I like the air blowing in this country o, if it would bring this type of behavior from her. She got off me, and her shirt fell off her. She bent to pick it and I could not but notice the extra fat in the right places. Ahn ahn!!! All my mind was telling me was that this one would go back home with twins. I must take it!
 
We headed to the hotel we would be staying at, as Sophie was able to convince Popo to allow us have our space. He didn’t see why we would not stay in the house, and I tried to explain that her company had made reservations and it would be an issue if she doesn’t stay there. I assured him we would both come once a while for lunch. We settled in the room, and I told her to try to rest but no, she wasn’t having it. She said ‘young man, I’m taking my time. I call all the shots in these 5 days’. Who was I to say no? And she did have her fill, to the extent of her boundaries, for the next 90 minutes or so. In my view, this was love making without sex. All my attempts to take it a step further hit a brick wall. But then, it was just okay by me. She eventually passed out and slept. 
 
Those days were so good. From roller-coasters, to visiting the estate of the president, dairy farms, Popo’s house for lunch, my church for Easter Sunday service and a list of many other things. In my view, those days were bliss. On the night before she left, we went to a club. Before now, as I’ve explained, JD isn’t too much of your everyday girl. The few instances where she took Alcohol, it was either with her family or me, and it’s usually a little: maybe half a glass during a toast or just a taste. However on this night, I don’t know what entered me, or maybe her. She asked to drink and I got her a shot of tequila and lime. She asked for one more and then one more. So I decided to get her a glass of long island, with extra spirit in it. And then trouble started. JD kept grinding me so hard, pulling me so close to her and occasionally missing her steps and having to lean on me. I mean, it was fun, and she would tell me she’s tipsy but fine. The next 30 minutes went well, and we left and grabbed a cab. She was sleep talking to me, and I just kept laughing at her. 
 
We got go the hotel, I guided her through the elevator, till she got in bed. I took off my shirt, and laid next to her, set to sleep. 
“Come, I want to tell you something”, she said. 
In my mind, I asked if this one was okay. I’m right beside you and you say I should come. 
I replied ‘I’m here, listening’. She goes further to say ‘no, I wanna tell you in your ears’. That’s when I realized alcohol truly is a binsshhhh‎. I did as instructed and moved closer, and our lips met. This continued for a while, till JD got on top of me and flipped off her top. That was remarkable. Why?‎: Because in our years of being “intimate”, she had always been a typical Anastasia Steele, who is led. But this day was different. The alcohol had evidently given her the bravado to take the lead. I kept savoring every corner and curve of her body with all parts of my body. 
‘DJ, I want you now. Take my virginity’ she said. 
These words took me aback. My plan from the airport was about to materialize, on a platter of gold. I didn’t have to press buttons. It came on a least expected night, and it was special, since it was a night before she left. Also, she had always said that she wanted her first time to be in some fancy place, preferable outside Nigeria, so this also made it more perfect. I got up, went to turn on the lights, which made her use the duvet to cover up.  
‘Babyyyy, you are obviously under the influence, sweetie. This is the same as taking advantage of you’. I said. 
She replied ‘I know and I don’t care. I want you to have it now’. 
I moved on to kiss her, and continued the foreplay. Then I stopped and said ‘babe, we would do it when you are fully conscious and alert’. Having said that, I put her in my arms, and proceeded to sleep. In minutes, she was asleep. My mind wandered after laughing though, at the person who wanted action so bad and is sleeping less than 5 minutes later. I thought to myself ‘she escaped o’ because I would not decline a sexual offer or advance from someone I really want to hit. But I can’t afford to do that to JD. She’d held on to this so long, and told me how much it has to be on the wedding night. Not like I give a hoot about the wedding night matter but I knew I owed her that encouragement to hang on.
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Edited by: Felicia Akanmu
Click here to read part 9.
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Bachelor’s Sojourn – Part 7


The adventures of Omo Otunba started from Part 1. Click here to see how the journey started.
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When your girl says: “We need to talk”, as a guy, it freaks you out! Therefore, for the hours I was waiting to get out of class and for JD to get out of work, I almost ran mad wondering what exactly it was.
Thankfully, it ended up being one of those talks that talk every guy hate: “What are we doing?” “Where is this relationship headed?” and the likes… I knew it was going to happen soon. I just wasn’t ready to face it. She was working and doing pretty good for herself. On the other hand is me, in Europe, making fairly okay, but if translated into the current exchange rate, is a good sum, in my country. I was totally okay with life here, although it’s way better in Nigeria, in some aspects. JD kept emphasizing that I would do well for myself if I come back to Nigeria and she was doing good enough, and so we could start a family. 
This conversation kept going for a while, and guess what? I gave in. I decided to return to Nigeria and I did this for JD. Why? I had a number of reasons.
But the few that top the list are:
1) I’ve come a long way with this girl. Why would I throw it all away?
2) She had been a real definition of a backbone / soul mate.
3) I can leave JD at home, and come back and meet her at the same spot, intact. No boy, 3rd party or unwarranted behavior. In this our generation, the watchword is: if you can leave her at home, and know nothing would go wrong, marry her!  
 
Telling my mum, Popo and Sophie this was quite devastating. I didn’t add JD to the reason. I just summarized and said I wanted to be back home, and do business and the likes, that although Netherlands was good, I assessed Nigeria to be better. You can be sure they cajoled, convinced, fought, begged and did all sorts, but I politely declined. At approximately 11 months after getting to Europe, I was on my way back to Nigeria, with my fresh skin and a few thousand Euros to make some noise and paint town red. As I got off the plane and walked into the airport, the hot air that hit me was so bad, I wanted to go back. I thought all those “I just got back” kids used to form oh but man that heat was like someone left hell’s door open at the entrance facing Nigeria.
“When would this country change?” I said to myself. I found my way out of immigration and switched to my Nigerian phone sim-card. Since I’d been using it for Whatsapp, it’s been functional. Behold, Otunba’s call came through. Jixox!
 
I’d been dreading conversation with him. I can count the number of times we spoke while I was away. According to mum, he’d been a little bit upset at my leaving but didn’t want to be a hindrance between my ‘father’ and me. The guilt didn’t allow me make communication frequent. Mum must have told him I was returning, and he was being the same old father I knew, who would call to find out if we’d arrived in school or airport or something. 
‘Hello sir’ I said. 
‘Oladeji, how are you. I see you have landed. I’m at Gate B. Where are you? Said Otunba. 
‘I’m walking out of immigration. I would see you in a minute or two, sir’. 
Wait Otunba is picking me up himself? This has to be important to him and the level of relief that washed over me was insane! The phone went dead. Otunba isn’t a man of long phone calls. I saw him. He hadn’t changed. Still huge, but he was looking a little bit tired. His kaftan looked neat, as usual, and his chain could still blind anybody! As I walked up to him, and bowed my head to greet him, he gave me a big hug! 
No! No!! No!!! Bring my father back. Otunba has never hugged anyone other than his wife, and that when it’s either’s birthday and they are posing for the camera or crowd. The hug seemed to last forever. I cried a bit. And all the emotions came pouring in my mind. 
How could I have been so selfish?
This is the man who brought me up since I was a child. 
I left without looking back because of the feeling of being in “obodo oyinbo”. 
Someone who gave or made me all I am today. 
The pangs of guilt ate me up while in that hug. 
 
When we broke the hug, he slapped my head in a funny way and said ‘Ah! You’ve started wearing chain too? omo babe e’ . We laughed and he called the driver up, loaded my luggage in his Mercedes SUV. Now that’s what I’m talking about!! Not the bicycle I was riding in Netherlands. 
 
When I got to the house, I had everyone looking at me with hype and excitement. I wasn’t sure if my skin had turned white because I couldn’t fathom all the royal treatment. They had bought bottled water as they assumed my system would be too “bougie” for normal dispenser water. My semo and ogbono soup was also served with fork and knife. Something must be doing these people. But I liked the sentiments attached to my return, so I didn’t try to make it look weird. I wanted it to continue.
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Edited by: Felicia Akanmu
Click here to read part 8.
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Bachelor’s Sojourn- Part 5


The adventures of Omo Otunba started from Part 1. Click here to see how the journey started.
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I started begging, I forgot all the shades of “swagger” I had put on…then he said ‘shake body’. Unfortunately for me, I only had €20 bills on me. And that’s how I gave this law enforcement officer a whooping 9,000 Naira! Yes, I used the €1/N450 exchange rate. I don’t know which hurt more, maybe the value or my naivety (as I later discovered it’s common for them to do it to those with Virgin passports. Ghana doesn’t count, I’m guessing). I had always seen myself as a sharp guy, in fact, too sharp and street credible, to fall for this, and so I gradually awaited my next foreign travel. 
 
As I pulled my box along the aisle of the aircraft, I saw adesuwa taking pictures of herself and her business class seat. ‎Our eyes met and since she was in the last row of business
class, it was obvious I was moving to economy. Her hello was filled with downgrade, as if it’s only luggage that gets put in the economy cabin. Our brief conversation informed that she’s headed to London, but having a stop in Netherlands. In previous conversations, I’d always told people that I don’t know why people, especially celebrities see the need to show off business class cabins. In the case of an emergency, no one gets special attention neither is first class cabin safer in the plane, than the economy cabin. But today, kai!! I felt so bad walking into economy. I realize I had just being a hater all along! That girl’s look just made me really wish I were in business class. 
I got into my seat and I was getting comfortable. Set my cotton stuffed pillow, fastened seat belts, plugged my phone cord to the available port and began calling those that mattered, that I was due to take off soon. Economy cabin was beginning to look okay, until I saw a hostess take glasses of champagne to those in business class. What humiliation!! I’m never flying economy again. I resolved to take a picture upon landing at the business class cabin. “I gats to belong”! 
 
Those around me seemed to be used to flying, as many plugged their ears, used their eye masks and just tried to sleep. Me? No way! I observed everything, especially take off. From the sky, the city looked well lit, but I can bet a majority was from generators. I got tired of looking out, and concentrated on the few things around me. The desire for more legroom made me remember business class cabin again, and I remembered Adesuwa.
 
You know how people say girls get more matured and exposed faster than guys? Adesuwa is the one person I can say that proved that to me. We used to attend the same teen’s church, where we developed feelings for each other (more like a mutual crush). I gained admission into the university, while she was still in secondary school. We lost touch for a while and reconnected when she was in a college of education, while I was in my 2nd year in University. I had a sense of superiority over her, in terms of age, financial background, academic standing and type of institution attended. I would brag about how girls in my school liked me, and the type of parties I attended and my CGPA not suffering too much, and she would listen to me. Somehow, our conversation led to sex and we agreed to do it. She wasn’t a Virgin (and that really broke my heart. Why? Because firstly, I wondered why a 17-year old girl has already had sex with 3 guys. Secondly, like I said, I really liked her. Lastly I was still a Virgin, but I posed to be a bad guy) so it wasn’t a lot of drama getting to that point. I mean I’d done many other things with girls, but not actual sex.
One thing led to another, and I was on top of her, struggling to find “the way home”. True to it, all the experiences I’d gathered from watching any form of erotic films failed me. The most basic part of sex, which is actual penetration, and maintaining it, was herculean. She was nice enough to help me, and I was done in seconds. She laughed so hard at me. I tried to explain that she was just so ‘sweet’ but she knew better. After a few minutes of ‘fooling myself’, we were done and she left. Her first text message to me, on my beloved Alcatel phone was: “Tell me the truth, you are a Virgin. I’m home sha oh.” I then launched into a long explanation about how I’d done many other things but not the real thing. 
The shame severed our relationship but the deal breaker came 2 weeks after that encounter. Adesuwa called on my way to get dinner, in school, and said she was pregnant. My life jumped out of me and came back. I was going to get food, but I suddenly became so full, and even wanted to poop so badly. Sweat pangs grew, as I was shivering at the same time. Who would kill me first? My mum? Otunba? Aduwa’s folks? I told her to give me some minutes to get back to her. I gathered myself and decided to be a man. I launched into a long conversation of how much she meant to me, and how I’ll do anything she wants. If she wants to keep the baby, I would take responsibility. And if she decides to abort it, I would foot the bills and also be with her during the process. 
Her response was “Ki la gbe, ki le ju”, meaning ‘what did we carry, what did you throw’ or more simplified ‘what am I saying, what are you saying’. 
One more time, Adesuwa made a fool of me. She said she was just joking, that the condom was intact and it’s too soon to tell if she was pregnant. That’s when I had it! No more humiliation from this girl, and so I stopped communicating with her. Except when we run into each other at the mall, or Facebook birthday wishes, and other random social media sites, we lived separate lives. 
 
I drifted asleep on the flight, till I was woken to eat a tray full of different foods that I had no idea what their names were or how they were pronounced. Don’t get me wrong, they all looked familiar, but I couldn’t tell the exact name. I know it’s salad, but why is it purple? It’s bread but why the white seeds on it? It’s beef but why does it taste like snail? Well, I decided to eat what I could, as the 6-hour flight had 3 more hours to go. I slept a bit more, till I was tapped to adjust my seat and landing was due. Upon disembarking from the plane, I didn’t find the chance to take my business class picture. A good time would surface some day.  
 
All the needed things were done and checked, and in no time, I was at the arrival terminal, looking for Popo. I really hope I don’t call him that. However, daddy was not an option. I can’t call him that. Then our eyes meet, but I wasn’t so sure he was the one. He waved at me, and I walked towards him. My mind was racing. Am I to hug him? Or shake him? Can I trust him? Did he bring a police car? As I got closer, a white woman moved forward and gives me a full fledged hug and says ‘Oladeji, hey!!!’- ‘Who on earth is that?’ was the thought racing through my mind? Abi Popo had “Bruce Jennered” us??
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Click here to read part 6.
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Bachelor’s Sojourn – Part 4


The adventures of Omo Otunba started from Part 1. Click here to see how the journey started.

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Aarrgh!!!! Everytime I’m with the love of my life or something, my girlfriend always shows up, ready to ruin the moment.
 
But wait! Did you think I didn’t have a girlfriend? I can’t remember never having one, since I had the first. Undull. 
Are you also shocked I wasn’t mad at Mimi or Bimbo? Come on!! You should know better! we are guys, we pass babes.
“Hey babe, what’s up? Seeing your friend off?” JD asked. 
I replied “No, it’s just hot inside for Karelle. So we are taking a walk”. 
She said she would be inside, waiting for me. So she left me with Karelle. 
Karelle just looked at me funny, while biting her nails. I didn’t know what to make out of her expression. But my senses told me not to continue that journey to the boys’ quarters. Karelle was obviously thinking same because she asked that we go back inside after some minutes. Jadesola (JD) just spoilt my little escapade one more time. 
 
One more time, yes. That’s because it’s always happening. But she has never caught me pants down. It’s been so close but never in the act. And it’s not because I covered tracks well. “Na my mama prayer dey work”…Because I can’t leave JD oh! I don’t know why but I can’t. Not for all these Instagram babes. 1st class in engineering, daughter of a local government chairman, not skinny, not chubby, works with a generator company and earns pretty good money. We’ve been on this dating matter for about 4 years. And the most she allowed me is play with her boobs and she helps me out with her hands. Yes I said that. That’s the limit because my dear JD is a virgin. Virgin Mary. And I’m totally fine with it. But you need to understand that JD is my G. She’s my babe, my guy, my mini mother, and the one who can press my reset button.
 
You see, back in the university, I dabbled into a number of things. They included being the social prefect for my department’s association and also making clothes for students. The cloth making was quite profitable, at least for student, and also when Otunba decides to withhold my allowances. At a particular time, I got about the biggest job I ever had: to make 22 suits/blazers for some graduating students. This was a big deal for me, since it all came at once and they paid full amount. 
 
I had to dash to Lagos (specifically Lagos Island) to meet another tailor as I assessed that mine would not be able to do a perfect job. Our previous specialty had shirts and trousers. Discussion with Dennis was smooth, price, style and fabric was decided upon and I gave him the contract. I won’t take you into too many nitty-gritty details but lorokan, Dennis and many other tailors, mechanics, or artisans in general, are what we call “Alakoba!!!” So I gave him a 70% upfront because I wanted to motivate him. A week to go, Dennis had only cut 10 blazers. I screamed, threatened and did all sorts, but he said he got it covered. I went back 2 days later, only to discover only 8 out of that 10 had been sewn, 6 had been cut down while 8 hadn’t started at all. He kept saying it would be done but I knew better than listen to him.  
 
The real drama started when I asked for my money back, for the uncompleted ones. He said he had no money, except I decide to sell his machines. Man, I was furious. By the next day, only a total of 12 were ready, and then Dennis fell sick (well, according to his boy, he was sick at home, and that’s why he wasn’t picking my calls). It was Tuesday, and the final year dinner was on Saturday, and a whooping 10 suits were not available. I needed help from above and I called JD to explain my predicament. Her panic was even worse than mine. She advised that I quickly look for another tailor, and my response was ‘with which money’? But then, that’s the truth; I had to start the hunt. And I found one on that same Tuesday night but he was charging more than what Dennis would charge for a blazer since it’s ‘express’. JD offered to pay for whatever I was short of, as a loan. It had to be ready by Friday. I accepted, and work started. I called him every 3 hours, asking for progress report and he also said ‘it’s covered bro. They would be ready’. 
 
But guess what? On Friday morning, it wasn’t. I almost fainted. I considered not going back to school. Those guys would have skinned me alive! The new guy said first thing Saturday morning. I wondered how I would be able to make it to school, which was 3 hours away and deliver, especially considering that I knew (but hoped) that Saturday morning wouldn’t work. At 7am on Saturday, my phone was buzzing non-stop from 22 student customers, who were getting scared about the outcome of their ‘best dressed’ outfit. But what could I do? I had to leave for school that morning with the 12. For once, I was glad it was a private university, and so no one could come and mob me. At about 3pm, I got to school and settled the 12 who weren’t impressed at all. And that’s the sad reality of the service industry. If the delivery/ logistics process isn’t smooth, the value of the product just seems to reduce. 
 
The tailor called just as I was done settling these guys that that the clothes were ready and that he needs a method to deliver. I didn’t know if I should curse him out, or cry or go back to Lagos. But I serve a living God and he made a call come through. It was JD who asked on the update, and after explaining, offered to bring these clothes down with the then reigning Red cab. I couldn’t thank her enough. At 6pm, people were already tricking into the marquee for the event but the 10 men standing were red with anger. I kept begging that it would come. They knew better and took their minds off it. At 8pm, JD showed up. Oh!!! The relief was out of this world. I gave these guys their clothes, while she started her journey back to Lagos. 
 
If I ever doubted my love for this babe, this singular occurrence cleared the doubt. As fate would have it, best dressed was among those guys, Male face of the year was part of them and also best clique had someone wearing my outfit. My thanks to God knew no bounds but my dabbling into cloth making knew a bound as that was the last time I dared to do such commercially. Till today, I’ve not paid JD though, but that’s because whenever I say ‘you are getting the money of that time’ she would say ‘no, you’ve paid in many other ways’. That’s one of the reasons I can’t leave JD. She’s what we call a ride or ride (I can’t say ride or die because no one is dying and we are Africans, we don’t play with such words). 
 
Many days later, I was at immigration, at the airport, getting set to leave. Otunba didn’t come along but we had solo time so hours before I left. I’d miss this man so much: his drama, his sense of humor and his domineering demeanor. He really is my father!
“So this is your first time out of the country, asked the immigration officer. I just ignored him, as if Ghana isn’t “out of the country”. Then, his next demand was my invitation letter. Who needs an invitation letter to see his own dad? I tried to explain my dad was going to pick me up but he wasn’t having it. He said he would not allow me embarrass Nigeria in Netherlands, and get deported, so he would send me back here. 
I almost peeped my pants (boxers I mean). How could this be happening to me? 
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Click here to read part 5.
Featured post

Bachelor’s Sojourn- Part 3


This story started from Part 1. Click here to see how the journey started.

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‘If only your grades are fine as the ladies who come to see you’ or ‘ if your GP is as spotless as your face’. Those were the usual lines Otunba would usually use when he sees me with a girl and it never bothered me.  
But this time is different!!! This man just came to spoil show.
Apart from the money that business owners have, every other thing about their lifestyle can be annoying. Otunba can leave for the office at 4pm or return from work at 11am after leaving the house at 9:30. Don’t get me wrong, he never complains about a lady in my room. Instead, he praises me, depending on the beauty of the lady but he never indulges me to be randy. However, when I do something wrong, such as my every semester wrong doing of a low CGPA, Otunba would finish my career. His tongue-lashing always resets my brain…even though the reset is always short-lived.
 
“Well, I need you to go to the bank to cash this cheque. The account manager is waiting for you. Your friend can go with you”, he said. 
As we walked out and Otunba saw Mimi’s backside, he tapped my shoulder with that ‘that’s my boy’ grin on his face. As I got into the compound, I ran into my mother who gave her usual disapproving. She called me to one side and asked where I was going. I explained that Otunba sent me to the bank and she said ‘iya baba e ni o npa iro fun’ meaning it’s your father’s mum you are lying to. Sometimes I wonder whom she’s referring to when she says this. Is it Otunba’s mum or Popo’s mum? She says something of that nature at least every week, dissing my dad’s mum or dad. She does know that my future wife would say the same to my kids, right? Oh well!
 
In the end, my little stint Mimi didn’t click o. After leaving the bank, we split. After some weeks, I saw her proposal video on Instagram, which was followed by introduction. My heart sank. Not because I was in love with her or anything, but I always secretly hoped I’d get another opportunity to play our little dice games. Again, don’t blame me till you meet Mimi. But low key, luck was about to smile on me, without my knowledge!!!
Some 2 months after Mimi’s introduction, all those pictures disappeared from her Instagram page. Therefore, I buzzed her on BBM. She wouldn’t tell me the full details, but summarized their relationship as over. As I would later find out, the fiancée discovered her “sexcapades” and escapades and left her. So I urged her to have a getaway, to cool off (not like she needed one). She asked where, and I said Ghana. Guess what? Mimi said okay. See why I said luck was about to smile on me.
 
We drew up a plan, agreed to split the bills (I like this type of babe, no money palavers) go to Ghana by road, and return by air. Before we knew it, our plan materialized! Few days later, we landed Ghana at about 11pm; it was a 14-hour journey. We’d booked a hotel online, so the moment the ABC bus dropped us close to Accra Mall, we took a cab to our hotel. After about 40 minutes, we were well settled, and I set off to sleep. I was between dosing and sleeping when I felt a very warm sensation in my “nether region”. Lorokan, Mimi gave me one mouth action that night. I was close to passing out. Sorry, I lie, I meant I passed out, because that was the end for the night, but also the beginning of a 4 day long sexual adventure. See why I say “Almighty Mimi” Choi!
 
Mimi is a porn star. No, I give it to her. My original plan was to do EVERYTHING to this girl but boy!! I was a learner? Mimi took me to Antarctica, then Sahara desert and then the deep ends of the Atlantic Ocean. This babe was dominating as hell!!
Wait, did I tell you she was a little over 2 years older than me? So her domination came from every angle! If she says it’s time to stop, it’s time to stop. You can’t seduce Mimi. She has a mind of her own, and would do only what she wants to. In 4 days, we went out only twice, to take a walk on the street. All we did was watch TV, have sex, sleep, have more sex, eat, drink, have crazy sex, sleep, eat, have some type of sex, watch TV, take a walk, drink, try out some weird sex position, bath together and sleep. 
 
So you see why Ghana was a waste of money? Not a total waste but we could have done this in a random hotel in our beloved country. Well, I got my passport dis-virgin, so it counts, right? Yes, thank you! And you know the best part of all these? There were no emotions, no complications. Mimi never asked me “what are we doing, where is this headed to” and the likes. Mimi, I duff my hat for you from here oh!!
 
 
My mind raced all day at the idea of moving to Netherlands. Mum said she would tell Popo to discuss with me, while she would handle Otunba. I got on the Internet to see what it had to offer about Netherlands. I was able to discover the following: it’s another place that can be termed ‘sin city’, red light district and prostitution is legal, farming is very prominent and it’s a relatively peaceful city, ranking high in the world. It didn’t sound bad.
 
Over the weeks, plans for my relocation went in full gear. Obtaining visa was smooth since Popo is a citizen, who worked with law enforcement. Apparently, it’s easier for them to file for children and get good benefits. I wonder what mum told Otunba that made him buy this idea. Parents can be funny at times. The thing you expect them to raise the roof for, would go smoothly while the trivial matters would bring an earthquake. I ensured I was at my best during this period. 
 
When it was a few days to go, I told some friends I was going to Netherlands for a while, to chill. You know, in this part of the world, you never let people in on your plans. There is this fear that they would jeopardize or jinx it. So there was a small send off party for me.
A number of friends including Mimi attended. And my intern, Karelle attended also. You forgot about her? Please don’t. Over the weeks, we have been cool. After work, we would head to different places to hang out. Cactus at Ozumba Mbadiwe to have ice cream, Shaun’s bar for karaoke or a totally random lounge and have shots. Also, like almost everyone who schooled in the states, she drinks a lot, and knows how to drink. Karelle is a foodie. And it annoys me. Why? She’s in the league of people who eat everything they see but nothing shows on their body. She can eat at anytime also, and the more she eats, the flatter her tummy. Unlike me: If I eat at 9pm for 3 consecutive days, I start looking like soaked puff-puff. Well, Otunba is big, so it’s a reflection of his I’m displaying. Thank you, I know he’s not my “birth father”.
On one of those happy-hour days, Karelle and I went to a live band and we were having shots of tequila. When I felt I was getting close to my alcohol elastic limit, I told her I was done. She said ‘take one more, and I’ll kiss you’. To be honest, I’d taken away any other thoughts apart from platonic friendship off my mind, as relating to Karelle. But since it’s an invitation, why not. As I took the shot, she pouted for me to get my kiss. As a sharp guy, I longed forward and just few inches away, this babe used her palm to push my lips away saying “Ashewo kobo kobo’. Arghhhhh! This thing entered my body, deep into my marrows. Na me babe do like this? I laughed it off and more strongly, zeroed my mind and forgot about having anything with her. 
 
On the day of my send forth, she came in a pair of these denim looking leggings, a plaid shirt with some top buttons flying loose, Nike air max and a hat. She wasn’t necessarily looking the hottest but her accent when she spoke got everyone’s attention. All these IJGBs (I just got back) people coming to show themselves. So I was seated on a chair when she walks up to me, and sits on my laps, and starts talking about how she would miss me and wish I would stay longer and the likes. I just hugged her as she was in my laps, and some of my guys went hailing me ‘DJ! Bad guy! Sure boy’. I tried to explain that she was just a colleague and it’s nothing per se and you know the usual response: “Oga, who ask you question?” Karelle then says ‘everyone calls you bad guy and all that. Why didn’t you make a pass at me since’. I deemed that as a question which needed a physical response, not verbal. So I stood her up, and ask that she followed me, so I would explain why. 
I had to SHOW her that I only let my slide pass, not that I couldn’t. I found a good spot and tried to be spontaneous by giving her a swift, unexpected kiss. But this babe just turned face away, so my lips landed on her cheeks. ‘This one is not well oh’, I thought. So I put on my seduction skills, and start talking about how fond I am of her, while I stroked her hair, both my hands were on her waist, trying to hug her and kiss her nape. I moved slowly from nape, to cheeks, and then lips. She stayed put. Ehen!!!!! Correct!  I was kissing more of lip-gloss though, but I didn’t mind. I planned to really get her in the mood before leaving this corridor for a room. 
She’s an excellent kisser. I pulled her so close, enjoying the scent of her perfumes, while she held my head. I stopped abruptly and said ‘follow me’. She obliged. I took her to my room, and as I opened the door, Mimi was on her knees, doing justice to Bimbo. This boy is just mad. The fact that he has access to almost every part of my house doesn’t give him the right to dull my shine. I cussed out on him, closed the door and thought of where to go to. I decided to take her to the boy’s quarters, a building separate from the main house. As we were walking out of the house, guess what?
My girlfriend is in the compound, walking into the main building.
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Click here to read part 4
Featured post

Bachelor’s Sojourn – Part 2


This story started from Part 1. Click here to see how the journey started.

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“Are you Deji? The GM said I should call you”. Kai, who has this fine voice? It definitely does not belong to a staff. I look up and it’s the fine lady that was in the Corolla. She brought me back to reality. My sweat pangs were out. We both walked to GM’s office.

“Deji, Good morning. Meet Karelle, our new intern. She would help more in administrative works but please teach her as much as you know on everything. She also went to a private university, so I guess you both would get along easily. Karelle,you would meet the MD when he gets back during the week”.

 

I replied the GM, left his office with Karelle and told her to feel free to ask me anything. In my mind, I meant ‘ask me everything’.

 

“I attended Bowen University. Which did you attend?” I asked. She replied “North Western University”. In my mind, I wondered where that was. I’d sized her up and thought it would be Covenant University or maybe ABTIL.

“Eeerrr where is that? Niger Delta?” I asked.

“No, it’s in Chicago. It’s a private university in Chicago “, she quipped. Aye mi ooohh!!! GM just made a fool of me sha. I should have known o. Her accent had some Yankee twist to it but my yeye Bowen pride and accent took over. How private University in Naija and Chicago take relate na? Well, I must level up. The spirit of “I must belong no go kill me”!

‘I see. You even look like one of them’ I said.

‘Oh please, come on! I’m a full blown Nigerian, Nnewi to be precise ‘ she replied with a push-tap on my shoulder. Yass!! She’s already touching me. DJ for the win!! Bimbo and I have been counting scores with babes, but with this American goal I’m about to score, I’m about to lead with a wide margin. Office romance loading….

 

When I got home later that day, my mum explained to me that Otunba was still very upset. Well, that’s not news. His anger usually takes a week or two: In fact, a semester. Otunba has showed me pepper. He has never hit me before, funny enough. But he knows how to deal with you financially and emotionally. ‎But the funny thing is, I like him a lot! You’re thinking: “Before! Isn’t he your father?”. I’d explain:

Remember Bruce Jenner? One of those Kardashians? Remember he used to be the father, until he changed gender, and became a woman. Someone said he expected his daughters and sons to disown him as their father, since he’s no more a man. ‎But I wonder why that should matter. Does changing sex erode all the things he has done for you as a father? I bet not. And that’s why I like Otunba. Making sense now? NO, Otunba did not change gender!!

Otunba isn’t my real dad. He’s my mum’s husband.

I’ve never met Popo before. Popo is my real dad, whose name is Mr. Popoola. But we communicate, exchange mails and have video called twice. In my view, my father is who was there for me, not who poured semen inside my mother. So I have extremely minimal sentiments and attachment to him. I only remember him when I’ve offended Otunba and he tells me not to touch his TV or refuse to pay my school fees on time.

That school part is bad. When Otunba’s driver drops me in school, it’s usually a Mercedes Benz or a Lexus jeep or something of that nature. So I look like the regular bad guy,in a private university. But if I mistakenly offend him, I would look like someone who a cooperative of farmers are paying his school fees. And it’s really a tough time. That makes me remember my police father (you see why we call him Popo? Popo as in police, Popoola as his real name). Popo works and lives in the Netherlands. He once threatened Otunba, that the day he touches me, is the day he would regret his existence. Well, not like Otunba is scared of such, because if they were both in this country, he would be Otunba’s chief security officer.

 

Anyway, after mum explained Otunba’s grievances, she told me she and my dad had been having conversations in recent times about me moving to the Netherlands. Eyyyy!!!!!! This is scary!! Otunba won’t accept. I don’t know what to expect out there, in another country. I’ve only been abroad only once. Well, if Ghana would pass as abroad.

 

Ghana. I wasted money on that trip. ‎I went with Mimi. Mimi of life! Almighty Mimi!! One Mimi, one Nation!!! One of my guys had Mimi on his BBM display picture, so I asked what’s up with her and he said she was a one-time fling and that he knows a few guys who had smashed her, so she wasn’t a big deal. I said ‘guy, give me this babe, make I build mansion there. I no dey do one time’. He gave me, and after two days conversation, Mimi was in a cab to my house. As she had her own business, she had the luxury of time.

 

I like babes who would take a cab to come see you, and not even think it’s expected of you to pay for the fare. I told the gateman to open the gate for her, while I stalled a little to open the front door. I wanted her to gawk a little at Otunba’s beautiful compound. I opened the kitchen door; so she would know that we also use Air conditioning in the kitchen, and had a TV in it- don’t judge me till you meet Mimi…except she didn’t look like she gave a hoot about all that. That’s her business ooo. Me, I must smash today.

 

As we walked to my room, my mind kept racing. She’s as pretty as she looked in pictures but that voluptuous body was curvier than the picture. She wore this body-con dress made of a very light material, so all her contours were screaming!! Choi! Her body kept saying ‘come and do’, looking like those girls who danced in the music video for ‘pass the agbara’ by the Skuki brothers. Her make up was top notch (however, I later discovered the excessive make up was to cover a not too smooth face).

 

I asked if Baileys was a good drink, she said yes. I wanted her to be under the influence, but not too drunk to be unaware or unconscious of our “business”. Before going to the bathroom to have a quick shower, I had a glass with her, and played ‘wa fe ku lale yi’ by Reminisce. She needed to realize we aren’t here to play, but to get to business. When I got out of the shower, Mimi was done with the Baileys! Chale!!! This one had better not pass out b4 we start anything oh! Without looking at me, she asked for something stronger. Something like Jack Daniels. I went to the bar to get Remy Martin’s and by the time I was back, this babe was smoking in my room. Ehn ehn!!

 

Now, let me say this. Based on comments from my friends, and also voices from my inner man, I’m a sure guy. I don’t drink too much, I can smash almost any babe I put my mind to, and I’m readily available for major fun. There’s a way I would track a babe, and know that it’s s sure deal. Even if she’s fronting, I can work around it and hit the target. So scoring with Mimi was something I’d assessed as possible. But I needed a plan. I mean, in our chats, I’d only said things like ‘choi, this your body is hot, If I catch you ehn! The things I’m doing to you in my head ehn!” and such nuances. She would just say things like ‘lol’ or ‘ yimu’ or ‘leave it like that’. So you see, she’s not necessarily saying yes, neither is she saying no. I decided that we should play truth or dare; she said it’s too boring. Lobatan! She then offered a game from her phone.

 

It’s a game that has two dices. One dice has the following sides: Kiss, Suck, Caress, Bite, Nibble and “your choice” ‘ while the other dice had Ears, Lips, Nether Regions, Boobs, Thighs, Nape’. Then we started playing. Of course, Mimi went first.

She rolled ‎’bite ears’ on the dices. E jo, what is this? I blurted! She laughed, moved closer, bit my ears, n proceeded to lick for some extra seconds. Then she smacked her tongue, exhaled and just did some magic, while on my ears. O boy! I knew I was in for it. Then she stopped. It was my turn next. I rolled ‘nibble thighs’. Please, what’s all this? How does one nibble on thighs? A phone call came in on her phone, and as she picked it, I went to do the mumu task. She didn’t even flinch one bit! Her call lasted for about a minute more, and we continued. She played a ‘suck boobs’ and that‎ caused us to both laugh. “This flat chest of mine? Kuku kill me” I chuckled. She used her fingers to tell me to raise my net T-shirt up, which I did. With a very seductive look, she pushed me on the bed, closed my legs together and sat on me and started this task…She pulled her dress up higher, and I saw that as an invitation, as I grabbed her, but she removed my hands, and pinned them to the end of the bed. After some seconds on this play that brings me no sensation, she holds my two wrists with a hand, and used the other hand to loosen the band of my joggers. All that was on my mind at this point was how to tell Bimbo this gist. One more time, I’m gonna smash a babe at the first meeting…She finally gets my joggers down and she begins to slide her body down, to start what I suppose was an insane oral sensation. Man, I was on fire!! I just hit a jackpot!!!

 

Just before her mouth gets to work, I hear Otunba’s voice calling my name, just outside my room. Holy crap!! I bundled her off me, and we quickly package and then I open the door for Otunba. Remember my last encounter with Otunba? By the Mikano generator?

 

“Deji, I need you to meet my account manager to……haaa, you have a visitor. Omo baba ee! Hello, young woman”.

 

‘Good afternoon, sir ‘, Mimi said.

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Bachelor’s Sojourn – Part 1


Why are these passengers looking at me weird?” Well maybe they are not even looking at me; I’m probably the one being weird. You can’t blame me though; I’ve not gotten into a “Danfo”(local public bus, usually very rickety) in at least 6 years.

The last time I got into one was during JAMB lessons. That was a major highlight for any secondary school (high school) graduate in Nigeria. On my last occasion of dealing with a “danfo”, we had finished classes, and my crew and I were headed to a game house (where you pay to play Play Station and Xbox games). We were almost at the game house, when we saw people running all over the place! Sheesh! Lagos city and its madness!! I could have sworn that someone just saw something funny and screamed, started running and others followed suit, without knowing the cause. But no! This time was different: there was a reason- Masquerades! They were dressed in their regalia holding and lashing out their canes and whips (or “Koboko”). Apparently, they were asking for money and harassing people. We came to quickly learn that if we didn’t want to be harassed, we had to settle them. “Awon werey” (Mad people)- one of my friends hissed. Let’s just say he’s still traumatized from the aftermath of that comment, as one of the masquerades heard him. Ha! As the chaos was going on, some soldiers were passing by. Trust Naija soldiers with their hardened-always-angry-unfriendly faces-but-always-ready-to-exercise-power personalities; they jumped on the chaos that was going on! They accosted the masquerades, collected their whips and commanded them all to lie flat on the scorching hot rocky road. “Shebi you think you are mad”, the fair skinned military man barked out at the now sweaty bunch of “masquerades”. After some time, they told them to do frog jump. That was the funniest thing ever. A crowd gathered, laughing at them. Nigerian law enforcement officers are made in China, however: they don’t last. So they told the masquerades to continue frog jump and go their way. The moment the soldiers got into their trucks, masquerades took over. Trust us to scramble once again.

 

My crew scattered. Trust my Kito sandals to be there for me. But it looked like the masquerades were gaining momentum. Luckily for me, a danfo was picking up passengers so I hopped into one and I was safe. The area still had them around, so my only bet was to follow the danfo. Choi! That’s how I was taken from Ikeja “under the bridge” to Egbeda. I used my game money to pay the fare. Thank God I knew my mother’s phone number, as she was the one who came to pick me at Egbeda.

 

‘Alaye, owo e da’. The conductor jerked me back to reality as he requested for his fare. I took out the 150 Naira I’d kept in my breast pocket and gave him- you must not carry last in this town. The remaining money was safely stored in my deep holed trouser pocket. Every 30 seconds, I would check my pocket and if the person beside me touches me, I would touch my zipper region stylishly. We’ve heard too many tales of disappearing penises and boobs and the likes by an ordinary touch, especially during Christmas period. The desperation for money had no end. And God knew I was not about to become a victim.

 

I got off at my bus stop and took a bike as my colleague had told me. Okada riders know everywhere, so that was my best bet to the office. I kept wondering how the gateman would look at me as I arrived the office, getting off an Okada- a whole omo Otunba, taking okada. I’m sure that Danfo had drained all my Calvin Klein Euphoria perfume. I had some sweat patch at my armpit region.

 

Of all days for this gateman called Ochuko to be outside, he chose today. Buying bread and akara on a Monday morning. Why couldn’t he be inside, so he would not see me get off an Okada. Abeg, I would tell him the car had a fault down the street.

 

‘DJ of life! How na? Which one be Okada today na?

I knew it!! He had to greet me with the Okada line. Bad belle! World people!!

As I was paying the okada rider, one Toyota Corolla pulled up at the gate.

‘Is this T n T Global Services’, asked the make up on fleek-nerdy glasses-no-cleavage-showing-lady.

Ochuko spoke to her for some seconds and opened the gate for her. I clutched my laptop bag to my back, went in and sat directly under the Air conditioner near my desk. While cooling off, I reminisced on the events of the weekend.

 

Grill at the Pent (GATP) is a Sunday all night clubbing event on the island in Lagos. You only find a set of people there – Children of all these politicians who have stolen all our money for their kids, Some Malaysian ‘I just got back’ crew, Or children of oil barons. If a banker attends GATP, he would go with about 5 friends, and they must be ready to spend half-month salary, each. The cars parked there are enough to make you reconsider going in.

 

So my guy, Bimbo, who is a Prince, said we should go to GATP. His sister had gotten married two weeks back, so his share from the money from various governors and senators must be plenty in his hand. He came over, parked his car, and we took mine. I must not dull. The night went well. We popped two bottles of Moet and bought one bottle of Ciroc. That’s good enough for 4 guys at a table. If you think otherwise, come and beat me!

We paid the bills. All went well.

We drove home, even though tipsy. All went well.

It was time to park my car. All didn’t go well!!!

How I managed to think D was R on the gear amazes me. I crashed into the Mikano generator. And it went off. Now, it’s not like the car was badly damaged but the impact was enough to make the generator go off. And Otunba came down. Picture me now, tipsy, my hands interlocked on my head! “Gbese”!!

 

Otunba is my dad. Otunba looks like Idi Amin. Huge, big tummy, and always frowning! Even his laughter still has frowns in it. I try to explain what happened but he won’t hear it. I don’t know why I bothered. He never listens to you when you do wrong. All I remember is him saying ‘don’t touch any of my cars again’ and after some 10 minutes, he drove out to sleep in a guesthouse nearby, which he owns. I guess his judgment comes tomorrow.

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Say no more!!


“Say no more”. Definition :
This phrase is a slang you’d to tell someone that it is not necessary to explain something further because you “over understand” what that person is trying to say.  
It’s a phrase I find myself using a lot, especially when talking to my girlfriend (when she’s not interrupting my conversation with the love of my life). 

For instance, check these out:

So how does this line come into play in that context? 

You are casually talking to your spouse and he or she says “babe, I smelt this Gucci Guilty perfume on my colleague at work. It smelled so good” or “Saturday is my diet cheat day. I need to indulge”. On hearing that, your response should be “say no more”. Why? Because you know you’re about to show up some days later or on that cheat day and show out by bringing your spouse that Gucci Guilty perfume, in fact, the gift set that comes with the lotion, shower gel and travel size perfume, or a fat tub of coldstone ice cream with chocolate sprinkles, m&ms hot fudge drizzle and or doughnuts from her preferred store. 
Please get the picture of the tub of ice cream off your mind and come back to earth. The point is : your spouse, lover, best friend, colleague, or that special person is just available to do it all for you, without you having to use all the mouth to say it (as yorubas say: “fi gbogbo enu so”). I mean, this doesn’t always have to be the case, but that person is ever willing to meet your every (or most) need. 

But how about a non-romantic setting? Your boss gives you an excel file that another colleague had put together. Your boss starts to explain how the columns and rows are all messed up, he’s explaining what and what to do, you’ve worked with him long enough to know what he/she needs from you. He’s telling you that the presentation is at 3pm, you know that means it has to be ready an hour before. Your answer? “Say no more, boss!” Why? You’re about to deliver by 1:30pm with the correct format! 
Or your mom goes out all day to the market, she returns exhausted but with tons of food? She’s about to start explaining how she needs everything put away in the pantry and the meat washed, etc. your answer? “Say no more, mummy!” Why? You’re about to put everything away in cabinets, deep freezer and refrigerator AND wash the meat and boil it, THEN have “Mariam” the house help go blend the pepper! 
I have a friend whose girlfriend dares not mention a want or need…it’s sorted, if not fully, to a large extent…he makes it priority. And I count myself lucky enough to have someone who would give me anything I subtly or loudly talk about.  

When you find such a person, marry him or her!
Ps: This is not a gender specific behavior, and it’s bliss when it’s mutual. In short, if it’s not mutual, erm, OYO is your case.

Also, be that stand up guy or lady whose answer is always “Say no more” to the requests you daily come across!

Read a similar post here

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Back to the basics- part 3


Remember the “back to the basics series”? if you missed, please click here to read Part 1 and here for Part 2.

Here is part 3.

Do you ever feel like you’ve strayed so much and you no longer recognise who you are?

Do you ever feel like you’ve lost your sense of self, your identity?

Like the fundamental things that make up who you are have either being eroded with totally strange and unnecessary things or have been buried so deep you can no longer reach them?

I feel like that sometimes, like I have become someone else and gotten so used to being this new person. From time to time I remember who I was and I miss the fire that person had but then I quickly shove the thoughts aside and tell myself that as people grow, they find new passions and a new sense of self. Somewhere and somehow, i know I lie to myself and I just tell myself that to feel better.

Where do we draw the line between losing who you are and finding new passions?

Do we find a balance between both? Is it okay to be someone new?

Sometimes I miss the old me whom was a moralist even whilst being liberal. I knew where to draw the line between being liberal and doing the wrong thing. Now I explain almost everything from different perspectives and even when my heart tells me XYZ is wrong I question it. I say is it really wrong? Or I’m being narrow-minded? Have I factored all plausible angles? If seen from X perspective would it still be wrong or maybe not just as right as society would have it? Am I calling it wrong because my background, beliefs and experiences have shaped my thought process into believing it is wrong?

How do you go back to your fundamental make up? How do you find your essence even with all the new things that have become a part of you? Do you unlearn the things you’ve learnt? Do you “un-inculcate” behaviours that reflect or are expressed in your everyday living? Is this where religion comes in and you ask the Higher being for help?

 

These and many more I do not have answers to.
Written by Ayobare

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Relationships and Social media


When people talk about relationships and Social Media, the most seemingly reasonable things we’ll hear them say are things like: “Keep your relationship away from Social Media”, “Healthy relationships do not seek attention”, etc. These things are actually somewhat true, so this isn’t a rant to debunk the smartness behind this thought pattern. It is a rant to draw us in a little bit closer to a pretty touchy topic.

The other day, and when I say other day, I mean, about a year or two ago, I noticed two people who are old school mates being cozy and a little overly friendly on Instagram. Few months later, I noticed that on Twitter, one of them would go on rants about “walking away from negativity” and the likes. On the other hand, the other party was posting “turn up” pictures, emojis and the likes everywhere. Later, the coziness disappeared! Can someone say I witnessed the beginning and end of their relationship? Most likely…I could be wrong, so I stand corrected.

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There are a few reasons (that I’d agree to for keeping relationships off social media):

  1. It’s easy to generate a false sense of identification in a relationship. If posting your relationship is the main way you identify yourself as a “partner” in a relationship then you’re in the wrong! When being together is so “basic” and boring that posting evidence(s) of your relationship on social media and generating attention from there makes you identify yourself as “a partner”, well bros/sistuh, go for a reevaluation!
  2. Too much Virtual PDA would make people dislike you as a person and as a couple! That is as plain as I can tell it. You can think “Who cares what people think?!” my answer is: “isn’t that one of the reasons you’re posting and won’t let us rest?” I know I sound like a hater but it’s the truth. According to a study done by Researchers, my point is correct!
  3. Nobody can say they know anything per se about your relationship. Your aunty won’t keep asking “when is he proposing?” under all you guys’ pictures, and his or her ex won’t be able to stalk you or find clues to sabotage your relationship. My mom says “What is covered is protected”!
  4. Your time spent with each other might be more genuine, deeper, and maybe more meaningful. Think about it, how much more genuine are you when you don’t have an audience? Probably a lot more…Your followers on social media are your audience members!

Although the following reasons to NOT post your relationship on social media are valid, it’s okay for your social media presence to NOT be completely void of your “romantic relationship status”. I personally, have never been a fan of exposing my personal life aka “relationship life” on social media but lately, I’m okay with being a little bit more open with it, I honestly don’t know why. There are a few reasons and methods that seem sane to me; I’d throw them out there:

  1. Excitement. When you’re with the right person, and you’re happy and it’s mutual, you want to share with your social media “family”. Key word is “share”, not “overshare”. Too much of anything is definitely not good.
  2. It might help you learn a bit more about your partner. You would think spending time with someone fosters that, not social media right? That’s not so accurate in our generation. See, we are full on in the digital age so we might as well accept it as a way and part of our lives-social media included. We always hear about people stepping out on their partners via social media, and this is true. Is your partner always posting suggestive pictures to get attention? Are they busy flirting on social media? These are actual valid issues that could come up in your relationship. Therefore, your relationship having somewhat of a social media presence can be helpful.
  3. This one is tricky, petty but valid- Marking your territory! Let’s keep it real; Men and ladies don’t stop setting major thirst traps on social media. Your relationship might not completely stop people from sliding into your/partner’s DM, thirsting in the comment section, but it’ll curb it to some extent. Also, it’ll also help foster the second example above.

I’d stop here. Regardless of any of the things named above, do what you’re comfortable with, enjoy your relationship and pay attention to your partner and get married! If you need motivation to marry, read this.

Originally posted here by Funke Akanmu

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The Slacker’s approach to new year resolutions


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I’m sure you were about to close this on seeing that it’s about New Year Resolutions. It eithers fails us, or we fail it. So we might as well ignore its existence right?! Wrong!

I’ve tried a few in the past, and boy was I terrible at it! I’d tell myself I would complete the Bible in a year. That would mean reading about 3 chapters a day. I’d be doing great if I lasted till January 8. I find a familiar Bible story, and then I start to slack. In March, I would have to clean dust off my Bible when my mom or someone asks for it, yes it’s that ridiculous!

I read it somewhere that “What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.” That roused some deep thinking. Therefore, the next January, when I had my mind set to “Read the Bible every day”, I knew I had to change my mindset. I couldn’t be too hard on myself — I would read Christian and inspiring books, many with Bible quotes. And on other days, I would read the Bible. In other words, I had to be a bit of a slacker.

It worked!

Building a small daily habit was easier than a big inconsistent habit. Although it was not easy, as I fell off the wagon several times, but each time, I managed to get back on. Since the goal was doable, if I missed a day or two, I didn’t have to break the ice when I resumed. It worked, and the habit stuck! Please don’t ask me if I finished reading the Bible, Thank you.

As you all might know, I write a lot. However, a few weeks to the end of 2016, I barely wrote anything. So I put it in my resolution to write weekly. Does it have to be a post worthy for my blog? No! It could be a poem on love or terror, or an “opinion” piece based on an article read somewhere, I’d write something. I resolved to write something that’s good enough for an audience: be it a 2 stanza poem for my girlfriend or five- sentence write up on photography, it wouldn’t matter, because I’d be writing. Again, it is easier to stay in rhythm, and the habit would stick.

Then I tried the habit of meditating. On a normal day, it takes forever for me to sleep. But when trying to meditate, it usually ends with a call waking me up. I started thinking that there had to be a way out. Then in came Headspace to the rescue. Headspace has to do with trying to meditate for about 10 minutes a day, taking a break from whatever you are majorly focused on. Trust me, those ten minutes of meditation matter.  Soon, it would be a habit.

So take it for what it’s worth. But if you’ve been frustrated with resolutions in the past, consider applying the Unscientific 5-Step Formula:

1. Dial it back

Don’t be too ambitious. For example: do you really want to run a marathon? I mean, you’ve seen people at the end of marathons, right? They look pretty tired. So take a chill pill.

Seriously though, we have a culture of intense expectations, and many of us are too hard on ourselves. It’s okay to dial back your goal and make it more doable. Resolving to read 500 books is admirable… but resolving to make (or maintain) a daily reading habit is also great.

2. Make it very specific

An “Exercise more” resolution is a prime example of vagueness. “Run every day” is better, “Run around the park in the morning” is better still. Best of all would be something like “Exercise every day, ideally running in the morning, but other forms of exercise and other times of day are also cool.” You get the idea.

3. Add the magic words “for at least ten minutes every day”

If you decide ten minutes a day is enough to count, you’ll find it way easier to do it every day. And if you do it every day, it’s way easier to keep the habit.

4. Do it every day for a month

Don’t think about all 365 days at once. If you make it through January (or any 30 consecutive days), there’s a pretty good chance the habit will stick for the year.

 

5. Be nice to yourself if you miss a day or two

Just start again. Aaliyah’s “Try again” comes to mind. In fact, if you miss a day or two but get right back on it, you don’t even have to count it as breaking your 30-day streak. I hereby grant you permission!

Who knows, your small habit might set the foundation for bigger things. But don’t worry about it in January. Be kind to yourself as you maintain the rhythm, and let the good things happen. They will.

Now go write yourself a nice doable resolution. Good luck, fellow slacker—you got this!

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Aboard the Air Force One


I natter around alot. In conversations, on the internet and in my mind. So I wondered what it is like to fly aboard the Air Force One ( the official carrier of the President of The United States of America). Guess what? Some people who had worked with him, who were not staff of the Presidency or cabin crew did have some things to say. Intriguing, I must say.

Air Force One Mini Series:  On Board Air Force One
NGCUS  - Ep Code: 4206

Here’s an excerpt from my reading:

Peter Marquez, Space policy geek.

It’s awesome. I only got to fly on her once. I really wish some other former White House staff would answer some of these questions- I know A LOT of other people flew on AF1 and have much better information than I have.

The staff is amazing and after flying on AF1 you will NEVER want to fly commercial again. The experience starts before you even get on the plane.  You are transported from the White House to Andrews and you get to drive right up to the airplane and leave the vehicle and walk up into the plane.  (Only the president and his close staff get the Marine 1 transport to Andrews)

It’s very comfortable- huge seats, desks and tables for working. A full conference room with flat screens and video teleconferencing capability. There’s a computer room with Internet access.

One of the greatest things about AF1 has nothing to do with the aircraft itself– it’s the people that make AF1 run.  All of the AF1 staff appear to really enjoy their jobs and they take great pride in their work.  It definitely appeared that none of them took this great opportunity for granted.  They are also well versed in the history of AF1 and can tell you stories about all the previous AF1s.

The trip I was on was very short.  We were flying from DC to Kennedy Space Center for a speech President Obama was giving.   During the flight I had been helping to work and rework a speech the President was about to give. He kept coming out of his cabin with more edits and changes.  After another round of edits from the boss an attendant looked at me and asked if I needed anything. I jokingly said, “Yes, a nice strong drink. Preferably a single malt” (it was about 9 or 10AM). Without pausing the attendant asks, “what brand and what year?” I had to tell him I was joking.

In addition to my colleagues and a few members of Congress we also had Buzz Aldrin on the flight.  Dr. Aldrin was seated next to me at our table and he starts to get a bit fidgety, he looks around, and he says, “You wanna go take a look around?”

So I stop working for a minute and Dr. Aldrin and I start checking out AF1.  We make it over to the stairs that lead to the upper deck and cockpit and one of the staff members asks if we want to head upstairs and check out the cockpit.  Dr. Aldrin got a big smile on his face and looked at me- we were both smiling like little kids.  Did we want to see the cockpit of AF1? Seriously? You have to ask?

So Dr. Aldrin and I make it up to the flight deck and all of the Air Force officers are in awe of this moon walker and here’s Buzz Aldrin happy as a little kid because he’s hanging out in the cockpit of AF1.  Dr. Aldrin goes into the cockpit and I stand outside of it with my head sticking through the doorway.  So here I am- essentially a nobody and I’m hanging out in the cockpit of AF1, with the pilots, while AF1 is in flight, and I’m with Buzz Aldrin.  Somewhere back in time the 10 year old version of me was saying, “You have got to be kidding me…”

It was way too short of a flight. But just a couple of more interesting bits.

First, as we started to descend I instinctively went back to my seat and buckled up.  But I noticed a lot of the other “frequent flyers” were still up and walking around.  So I asked one of them, “When are we supposed to sit down?”  They just kind of laughed at my “noob question” and said something to the effect of– “You don’t really have to sit down at all just watch how the pilot lands this thing.”  So people were still up and walking around as the plane landed. For someone who had only flown commercial it was a fascinating to me for some reason.  Sure enough- the pilot put her down like a feather and came to a gentle stop. Second, we landed on the space shuttle runway.

Another thing that blew my mind.  Of course we were going to an event at Kennedy Space Center so the closest runway is the space shuttle runway- but landing in AF1 on the space shuttle runway was more mind blowing then not having to sit down during landing.

Finally, you get a bill for the food you eat on AF1 (this may be the only thing AF1 has in common with United).  Since you are eating a meal on AF1 you are doing so at taxpayer expense.  This means you have to reimburse the government for whatever you ate.  That’s completely fair and the right thing to do but it’s something you wouldn’t immediately consider when flying on AF1.  So about a week after my AF1 flight I got a bill sent to me for the lunch I ate on AF1.  That bill made for a great souvenir.

One more thing- if you make a phone call from AF1 it’s routed through a couple of operators who sit up on the flight deck.  They make the outgoing call for you and then they connect you to the person once they make the call.  The cool part is that when they call person for you they say something to the effect of (my memory is a bit fuzzy here), “This is Air Force One, we have a call from <whatever your name is> can you hold while I connect you?” I think just receiving a call from AF1 would be amazing.

 

Jim Long , veteran, Washington, DC based, network news cameraman.

I occasionally fly on Air Force One as part of my job covering the White House as a network news cameraman for NBC.  The best part of traveling on Air Force One is walking on and walking off the plane.  That’s where the adventure is.  You’ve landed and you have to run to your motorcade vehicle – for us it’s “Camera 1” – or you’re boarding the plane, about to embark on a global journey, sometimes a very secret one.

 

I’ve had some memorable flights on the plane.  I’ve done interviews with Presidents on the plane, one while in-flight, with Tom Brokaw and Brian Williams. On a trip to Rome for the funeral of Pope John Paul II, we had 41, 42, and 43 on board. I was on the aircraft when Katrina hit New Orleans.  I remember them calling AP photographer Susan Walsh up to the front cabin to take the picture of Bush peering down at the disaster below. The staff is wonderful.  The even treat the press well! We are relegated to the aft of the aircraft and occasionally the President will come back to speak with the us.  The flying part is just flying, but on AF1 you’re always part of history in the making.  That’s pretty cool.

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Joe Lockhart, Former White House Press Secretary

Without a doubt, the best plane in the world to fly on.  First and most importantly, you feel absolutely safe.  No matter how bad the weather conditions or turbulence you always have the feeling that, because the President of the United States in onboard, nothing bad can happen.  It’s the best pilots, the best maintained and crewed airplane in the world.  And, there are no delays or lost luggage. It’s also quite comfortable. A commercial 747 normally seats several hundred people.  The normal Air Force One flight generally has about 50-60 people on board.  While it’s not outfitted like some billionaires private jet, there is plenty of room and plenty of room to work — which is what most people are doing most of the time on the plane. There are a variety of other perks, great movies(although i don’t recommend Air Force One while on Air Force One), getting to watch yourself land on live TV and lots of things with the Air Force One branding that magically disappear each flight. But without a doubt, the best part is who you are traveling with.  My favorite scene was the senior staff cabin one trip with Presidents Bush and President Ford asleep in their seats and President Carter asleep stretched out on the floor.

Rakesh Agrawal, 4 MM frequent flier miles and counting

It depends on who you are: the President and family, invited dignitaries, White House staff, Secret Service or press. All have different experiences. The big advantages of flying on Air Force One:

  • Hobnobbing with power players. By definition, Air Force One is a plane with the President on it. There are many aircraft that have been used as Air Force One. Currently, there are two VC-25s (essentially heavily modified 747s) that serve as Air Force One. There are usually other top aides and members of the press.
  • Don’t have to deal with the TSA (the Nigerian version is NAHCO), though you do have to deal with the Secret Service.
  • Priority landing.
  • The big downside is that if you’re on the plane, you’re probably working.
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You are what you eat……


If you want to be a monkey, eat bananas and insects

If you want to be a giraffe, eat shrubs, leaves and barks

If you want to be a buffalo, eat the movie posters

If you want to be a lion eat the monkey, giraffe, and buffalo

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His little niece Aishu looking at his uncle doing the gymnastics… asked… Mama… If you want to be a human what should you eat? For a change, Sadayappan wasn’t puzzled on getting this googly from his 6 year old niece. He said “Aishu! Humans eat Chicken 65, deep fried aloo tikka, and double cheese burgers”.

If you eat a chicken, you’ll be a chicken… if you eat an animal, you’ll behave like an animal… if you eat a fried potato, you are sure to put on more weight. You are what you eat!!! Some people are overweight due to heredity reasons and some have animal instincts by birth. I’m not going to address them. I’m going to talk to the remaining folks who chose to be overweight and who chose not to have control on what they eat.

When God originally created man, man was lean and fit. God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach; with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so man would live long and healthy. But, look at what man did using God’s gifts; God gave man healthy vegetables, nuts and olive oil to cook them. Man created deep-fried chicken 65, butter-dipped chicken popcorn. Boom… man’s cholesterol went through the roof and started chocking his valves. God gave potato, which is naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Man peeled off the healthy potato skin … sliced the starchy centre … added lots of salt and deep-fried them in animal fats to create French fries.  Boom… man became like a potato – fat and obese.

Think about how our life style and eating habits have changed in the last several decades. Rice, dhal and roti … GONE … Burgers with chicken patty ON.  Dosas are GONE… Pizzas are ON. Ice more and fruit juices GONE… Ice Creams and SODA… ON.

Our food habits not only made us unhealthy, but also forced us to be cruel to animals. My friend dragged me to McDonalds last week. After having our dinner, he was reading a newspaper. He saw the headline “Tiger enters a village and eats a farmer”.  He told me – “I feel bad for the farmer. How can an animal possibly prey on an innocent victim?” I looked him up and down and said “Explain your feelings to the chicken you had in the burger just now”. What is the difference between the tiger that ate the farmer and the man who kills animals to satisfy his appetite?

Do you know – it takes 3 times more land, energy and water to feed a non-vegetarian when compared to feeding a vegetarian. Nearly 30% of Indians are without proper food and nutrition. Toastmasters are nice and kind people. Do you want to be cruel to the people who starve to death – because you are practicing a non-vegetarian diet?

At the end, a healthy body creates a sound mind. Eating healthy vegetarian food definitely helps you to live longer. Look at me now… I’m vegetarian for the last 10+ years and I’m healthy active and very energetic. Look at Ramesh Daswani who just looks like a college grad even at this age because of his healthy vegetarian diet.

I was doing my regular morning walk one day. I saw an old man rocking in his chair on the portico of his house. I couldn’t resist looking at the old man… he was short… but fat… his skin had wrinkles, hair was grey. The old man was happily reading a newspaper with his thick glasses. I went to the old man and said “Sir! I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never eat vegetables. Oh… I never exercise.” “Wow! You managed to live this long. So, how old are you?” I asked. The man got off his chair … folded the newspaper and said… “I’m just twenty-six; I look very old because of what I eat”.

I know you don’t want to be like that young man who looked like very old because of his unhealthy diet. I request all of you to eat a healthy vegetarian diet… because YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.

 

Adapted from a toastmasters speech.

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7 countries in 7 days


“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover’’

– H. Jackson Brown Jr.

 

I never for once considered myself as a well-travelled individual. I’ve been to a few cities albeit common and not so exciting; London, Paris, New York, Dubai, Dublin and the list goes on. I developed a soft spot for all afore mentioned cities, but if you told me you were going to any of these for vacation I would literally squint at you till you get the message (Yo, im not saying I won’t go if offered o).

 

Summer 2015 I decided to do something different, I got an idea to visit more than 7 countries in the space of 7 nights. Crazy Crazy Crazy!! What was I thinking, how could I afford such? How much do I even have as savings? Before I go on, my uncle always said a knowledgeable man is a powerful man, if you don’t ask questions you will never know.

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So here we go, I got an idea to go on a boat cruise with friends touring the eastern Caribbean countries. My itinerary looked something like this:

Lagos – Houston – Fort Lauderdale-Bahamas- St.Thomas -St.Marteen – Eleuthera – Barbados – Jamaica – Fort Lauderdale – Houston – Maryland – Lagos.

 

  1. Lagos – Houston: I was all too familiar with this route, standard 12 hour flight to George W Bush Airport Houston. At the time, United Airline was the only carrier that offered this direct flight to Houston, pretty long flight but relatively stress free.
  2. Houston – Fort Lauderdale: The fun actually began here, 2 hour airport wait went by so fast. Flew united to Florida, upon landing the pilot couldn’t ‘’taxi’’ because there was a thunderstorm and appaz it’s a health & safety hazard because someone got hit by lightening the previous week. Well, this was no problem till I realized I had just 45 mins left to catch the ship.
  3. Fort Lauderdale: America is really beautiful. It trips me knowing that all states are almost as equal in development, unlike most African countries where civilization and development is centered in the capital. We need CHANGE!

Major key 1: To embark on the cruise, all you need is an American Visa, that covers all countries visited.

Take a deep breathe now, and gush at the ‘canoe’ I used in visiting 7 countries:

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  1. Port le Fort Lauderdale: The first thing that catches you is the size of the ship. The Oasis beats the Titanic in every dimension. The titanic was around 46,000gt, carrying about 3547 passengers and crew (credits to google) while the oasis measures 225,000gt (5 times bigger than Titanic!!) and can carry a maximum of 8,471 passengers on 17 deck. Yes 17 story building on water.

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Major key 2 : Tickets for the cruise are booked months in advance for best rates and do NOT FORGET YOUR PASSPORT AT HOME.

Check in: the check-in process is very straightforward, there are literally no queues and once you board the ship, it’s literally an entirely different world. You are given a smart card that serves as your ATM card on the ship, access card to your room and has all other personal details. Minority report kinda stuff.Forgot to mention.

IMG-20160816-WA027IMG-20160816-WA026Fort Lauderdale – Bahamas: Nassau was the first stop, it took us about 10-15 hours from the port and you wake up to scenes of the sun rising over the great city of Atlantis.

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Nassau, Bahamas: I’ve heard so many great things of this city, unfortunately as a tourist entering via the port. You aren’t allowed to go beyond the tourist areas, sort of like a high street where tourists are entertained. There are no physical restrictions against going beyond this high street, but you are sternly advised not to, to prevent harassment from the locals.Nassau has semblances to Lagos Airport, upon arrival at the port you are greeted with a host of locals who are trying to hustle you to patronize them. Tourism is their major source of revenue. And weed of course.

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I have a long list of countries I would want to visit next. I’ve learnt not to bother spending a lot for cliché trips……….

if you want to see more of travel related posts, click here.

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Global Warning


This is a speech I gave at the toastmasters club meeting.

There is no heaven here on earth, but there are pieces of it.

 

If there is a married couple here, there is a probability they came in separate vehicles, right? Probably because the husband is to give a speech and thus came earlier, and the wife had to drop the kids with grandma, and so she had to come later or the other way around. But the point is that they came separately, and in separate vehicles. Chances are high that they rode in air conditioned vehicles, coming from an air conditioned house which they slept in after leaving an air conditioned office, all of which are serviced with generators- considering how PHCN operates here in Nigeria.

 

We have all heard about the ozone layer. What exactly is it? It is a layer of ozone gas, which is about 30km from earth. This layer prevents ultra violet rays from reaching the earth surface; it is highly reactive. Industries and vehicles emit chlorofluorocarbons which react rapidly with this ozone gas, thus depleting the ozone layer. Ozone depletion, who is a son of global warming, is a major cause of skin cancer, if you doubt me, Google is your friend.

globaaa

Global warming is the term used to describe a gradual increase in the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere and its oceans, basically more heat! This change is believed to be permanently changing the Earth’s climate. In Nigeria, I would give you two evidences that global warming is real.

  1. Observe the rain pattern. It is not as regular as it used to be. This year was a little better, but the last few years have seen changes, as we had very little rainfall round the year. Remember the phrase “August break’ that tells that rain stops in august. We already had august break since late June, and it’s still on. We don’t have 7 days rain that leave many stuck at home.
  2. Harmattan isn’t what I knew it to be as a child. Back in the day, Vaseline was our best friend, dry white skin, busted lips and cracked skin: a must have was baby oil and hot water showers. Presently, the most we experience is some form of dryness in the atmosphere, and mild early morning fog.

 

In the colder regions, this heat or warming melts glaciers and icebergs, and causes a rise in sea level, which would make seas and rivers overflow their banks, ultimately leading to flood at the slightest rainfall. Temperatures are rising, and that is evident in the whole world.

 

A good way to look at this, is the way trees work with the environment.

When a tree breathes, it takes in carbon dioxide, which is a major gas that we and our machines and vehicles emit. However, what do we take in? We take in oxygen, and that is what trees breathe out. Trees recycle the carbon dioxide we exhale, and give us the oxygen we inhale. It’s like a trade-by-barter, where we give trees our carbon dioxide and they give us their oxygen. So no trees, no oxygen, no oxygen, no human life!

 

The fundamental reason why trees are planted in houses, and flower vases are kept in the living room, and why fresh flowers are sent to a sick person is to help keep that area well oxygenated. It is not just for aesthetics or romance, in the case of flowers.

 

Do you ever wonder why the sun in less industrial areas isn’t as scorching as the one in the highly industrialized areas? This is because the trees are intact there, and they ameliorate the climate, and make the environment cooler.

Has anyone here been to a canopy walk? Or heard of one? It is basically a sophisticated foot bridge built to pass through a forest, and then takes you as high as the top, where you get to see a forest in its natural state. You see the birds and monkeys and vast vegetation in an undisturbed state, leaving you in an awe of graciousness. I’ve been to one, and I implore you to visit one also. There is in Ghana, and also very close to us here, opposite Chevron. After this experience, you might just appreciate why the ecosystem needs to be conserved and left alone.

 

What happens next? When we constantly emit aerosols from plants and air conditioners and the three generators in our houses, we help big daddy called global warming to get fatter. We cut trees for our furniture and paper making, and do nothing to replace them, thus increasing the temperature of the earth. We pour in carbon dioxide faster than the rate at which the trees can absorb it, considering the fact that we have fewer trees left. Polar bears are adorable to look at, but they are going into extinction as the ice in the region they stay is melting.

polar bear

 

Is there a way forward? Yes! It individually starts with us. A major step is to spread the news about climate change, and discourage deforestation. Then we take it a step further by turning off air conditioners that are not being used, and sometimes, when the road is free, roll down your car windows. In our estates and offices, organize CSR programs themed to conserve the environment, such as operation plant a tree. Plan your trips, and take only a vehicle out. Peradventure someone here works with the government, we need to form a means of reducing the gas emitted by industries, with fines associated for breaking the law.

 

I leave you with these word: nature doesn’t need us. We need nature. What’s the use of a fine house if you haven’t got a tolerable planet to put it on?

 

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30 before 30.


The 30 before 30 challenge has different themes. it could be 30 countries before age 30, or 30 major feats before age 30.

Here is a list of things you could do before age 30.

thity

 

  1. Travel somewhere you don’t know the language. Adventure, spice, and forced learning is never too much.
  2. Date someone who isn’t your “type.” You will learn and grow from being around people who are different from you. Maybe the relationship won’t work out in the end or maybe you’ll meet your future spouse. At any rate, you’ll either have a great time or a terrible time, but you will learn from the experience.
  3. Start your retirement plan. It sounds very farfetched, but the earlier you start, the better for you. 20k a month would go a long way in 15 years.
  4. Take a risk. some of us have explored some of these. For the timid, sit at home type, try some. This could include bungee jumping, sky diving, feeding a tamed tiger or ride on an ostrich’s back.
  5. Buy a piece of land. Our parents have always said they wished they bought the land in Lekki or Magodo 20 years ago. Try some place very affordable, it might just be the next big place i8n the nearest future.
  6. Live in a typical village. take a trip to Umuahia or a very remote place in Osun state. Spend 2 or 3 nights and enjoy what it is like in a real village. Fetch water from the river, eat from a stove, and visit the community ruler.
  7. Start a collection. Something fun, quirky and totally you. Be passionate about it but don’t be a hoarder. A collection of different currencies, flags, mugs with inscriptions or sea shells.
  8. Take a cross-country road trip. I know the fear of book haram and robbers is the beginning of wisdom, but hey, people do this trips for business. So why not start from Akure, and get to down south Calabar in 3 days, making stops to explore different towns.
  9. Organise a charity/ CSR event. You do not necessarily need to be an ardent supporter of that cause. Just do something free and help the community. Gather old clothes from people, mend and iron them, and give to displaced persons.
  10. Attend a multi-day/weekend festival or carnival. Spending days away from responsibility, relaxing, and socializing is great. Attend Ojude- Oba, Osun festival, Calabar carnival or the tomato festival in Spain.
  11. Set a reading goal. The key to knowledge lies within a book. Start a Chimamanda Adichie or Daniel Steel collection and read. It could also be reading on sickle cell or origin of America.
  12. Start keeping fit. Set a month or some weeks aside, exercise rigorously, and stay judicious to it for that period.
  13. Get a tattoo. I know this is weird but I would advise a temporary one that lasts just a few months. And you can totally replace this with something else if it is against your faith.
  14. Join a club. And I don’t mean the list of resume-fluffing ones you joined in high school and college. I mean ones that you are really interested in and passionate about.  For example, try and join a running/book reading/ environmental cause/ toastmasters club.
  15. Treat yourself to something really expensive. …and pay for it in cash. Whether its a new computer, a Chanel handbag or a weekend away at an upscale resort and spa, you totally deserve it for working hard.
  16. Be the first person to apologize. It’s hard to admit when you are wrong. But it’s usually for the greater good. People will respect you more if you can admit fault and they will be less likely to hold it against you.
  17. Run a marathon. Or a triathlon or a 5k. . And plus, you’ll feel really awesome with your medal.
  18. Pay the school fees of someone who really needs it. it could be your mechanic or hairdresser or the gateman next door.
  19. Learn how to cook. I’m not saying you should aspire to be Martha Stewart; just learn how to make a few fancy dishes for one of those special occasions. They might come in handy sooner than you think.
  20. Learn a new language. Even if you stop at beginner stage, it’s worth it.
  21. Attempt to break a world record. In the Guinness Book of World Records, of course. There are records for everything, so round up your friends and give it your best shot. Even if you don’t quite break a record, it’s still a pretty cool memory to have. DJ obi just had the longest time spinning beats, yours could be the longest kiss.
  22. Attend a world sporting event. Olympics, world cup, European premier league. And ensure you attend either the opening or closing ceremony, or both.
  23. Pick a cause and be passionate about it. Whether it’s cancer research or clean water, donate and make efforts to help others and advance your cause. Don’t just say you’re interested in a cause, go live it and be it — volunteer your time, fundraise or donate. Change doesn’t happen by sitting at home on your couch.
  24. Make your family tree. There is no history more interesting than your own–figure out who your ancestors were and how they impacted the world and your own life. What you find out might surprise you.Take it a step further and record your family’s complete medical history. This will not only come in handy for you, but for future generations are well.
  25. Swim with dolphins and sea lions. Or a Cirque show or Blue Man Group.  Put on your best dress or your tux and live it up.
  26. Work a menial job. A job where you know you won’t advance but also requires tipping. You’ll gain a better appreciation for people you come across in your future who count tips as the largest part of their salary. This can be done for a week or two while on paid vacation.
  27. Become a connoisseur in something. Whether it’s cheese, wine, tea or coffee, your garnered knowledge will always help you make small talk and also enrich your life in ways you haven’t even imagined.
  28. Learn a new subject or course. More recently, I’ve been intrigued by law. Small advice: Don’t try to learn accounting.
  29. Have a collection of selfies with animals. Kiss a camel, snuggle a dog, have a monkey cover your eyes, look eye to eye with a donkey, and have them all in pictures.
  30. And finally, make a list of 40 Things to do Before You Turn 40. If only because it’s fun.

 

Carry me along as you tick these off. I would love to post your success stories on the blog.

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The other day, I was driving from work-my colleague and I. It was a Friday evening, we were tired, hungry and stuck in traffic. All I could think of was making sweet love to my bed and being knocked out to sleep for maybe 12 hours. He, on the other hand, still had plans of going out that evening to the club and had two weddings on Saturday, church on Sunday and back to work on Monday! I had a similar plan, except mine consisted more of sleeping and hanging with some friends.

 

Maybe it was the traffic or fatigue, but I started thinking and I’m still thinking about it. A lot of us are just going with the swing of things, I won’t necessarily say we are living, but we’re just going. If you really think about it, it’s scary! It is pretty much work, sex, relationship, money, partying, booze and the likes…..same ol’ routine.

 personal-development-plan

But it does not have to be so. Everyone can do something more, just a little bit more, and it’ll be extraordinary. Maybe pick up a new skill/habit/ talent. Something that doesn’t necessarily translate to money (money will be a plus, obviously). Something that when we’re at the end of our lives, we can feel fulfilled to an extent. It could be learning how to play an instrument or a new one, Photography, being a movie/book/food/style critic, bible school even with no intent of being a pastor, learning a new language or just going to study a course just for the sake of more knowledge. It does not have to be anything major.

 

Self development most times open new doors. It’s a vital key to fulfillment

 

 

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Calm down


” Calm down, what’s the hurry?! ” That was what Uncle Lawrence always barked in response to marriage related questions, till he turned 46 years old and got a wife.

Elder Jinadu would usually say “It’s not a competition, calm down”, before he finally finished his first published book at his 60th birthday- he started writing that book at age 27.

calm

Unfortunately, in the process of taking life easy, a lot of us have allowed our lives to be eroded of the luxury of attaining certain feats at earlier stages of our lives, because we ‘calmed down’. We responded to the façade of procrastination, allowed her tickle us, and we basked in the temporary aura of relaxation.

Sociologists, over the years, say it takes 3 weeks to form a habit. Thus, on that note, if there is something that needs to be done now, and you delay for 3 weeks, chances are high you might never get it done.

 

A little sleep, a little slumber; a little folding of hands, so shall poverty fall mightily on you.

Am I insinuating that you be aggressive all the time and not try to prioritize and take a break at times? Absolutely positively not! In fact, worrying less and taking your time usually helps you strategize and make well informed decisions. However, this should be balanced with being smart and understanding that the world isn’t waiting for you or anyone else.

The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The next best time to plant a tree is ‘NOW’.

Yesterday would never come back , and not doing it now means someone else is probably taking your market share or exploiting an idea that you have refused to implement on time. When they start reaping the fruits, you might see life as unfair and they’ll see life as fair. That’s it!

An old proverb says ‘the patient dog eats the fattest bone’. However, I think it’s because the other dogs have eaten the crunchy and chunkiest meat from it, leaving the bone to the patient dog. Besides, dogs love bone, you’re not a dog, you love meat!

 

Like the popular Nike tagline says : “do it now”!

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Love language series- Quality time


Still on the Love Language series. In case you missed the previous topic, click “words of affirmation” to read up.

Before applying the words from this post/series, please note this: The love language principles only work for couples who actually WANT their relationship to work. Relationships do not work out, you work them out

Introducing the love language: Quality time.

By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television while seated next to your partner. In this case, you’re barely spending time with your partner, you’re just around them. You can spend quality time with your partner by watching TV together don’t get me wrong, but keyword here is “TOGETHER”. You could tune down the volume and have goofy or serious conversations about whatever you’re watching TOGETHER. At the same time, if there is the need for it, you could sit together with the TV off, looking at each other, talking, just giving each other your undivided attention. This is my main example because this causes a lot of rifts between couples as I’ve read.

Spending quality time could also mean taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out, just the two of you, or napping, just the two of you, or cooking, just the two of you. Whatever it is, it means just the two of you, being completely in each other’s company, being TOGETHER. For quality time, the act itself is intentional, while the activity you’re both engaged in is incidental. The emotionally important thing is spending time focusing on each other.

 

timeeee

Spending quality time with your partner CAN HAPPEN IN DIFFERENT FORMS. I’d go over the few I’ve read about recently:
QUALITY CONVERSATION
Like words of affirmation, the language of quality time also has many dialects. One of them is quality conversation- a sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. When individuals complain that their spouse does not talk to them, they mean that he or she seldom takes part in sympathetic dialogue. Quality conversation is quite different from the first love language. Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what and how we are hearing. Your main focus should be on drawing out and listening sympathetically to what your partner has to say.

Try the following:

1 . Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. That keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that he/she has your full attention.

2 . Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time. If you are doing something else that you cannot turn from immediately, tell your spouse the truth. A positive approach might be, “I know you are trying to talk to me and I’m interested, but I want to give you my full attention. I can’t do that right now, but if you will give me ten minutes to finish this, I’ll sit down and listen to you.” Most spouses will respect such a request.

3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot __________.”
That gives him the chance to clarify his feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what he is saying.

4 . Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the other is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what he or she is really thinking and feeling.

5 . Refuse to interrupt. Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting and interjecting his or her own ideas. If you give your spouse your undivided attention while they are talking, you will refrain from defending yourself or hurling accusations at your partner. Your goal is to discover their thoughts and feelings, not to defend yourself or to set them straight. It is to understand them.

QUALITY ACTIVITIES

The emphasis here is on being together, doing things together, giving each other undivided attention.
Quality activities may include anything in which one or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why and how you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling closer.

Some of these sound corny but they only look/sound corny. For your partner and you, it could lead to a deeper bond.
1. Take a walk together through the old neighborhood where one of you grew up. Ask questions about your spouse’s childhood.

2. Go to your spouse’s office and have lunch or take them out to lunch.

3. Ask your spouse for a list of five activities that he would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next five months. If financing is a problem, space the freebies between the “we can’t afford this” events.

4. Think of an activity your spouse enjoys, but which brings little pleasure to you. Tell your spouse that you are trying to broaden your horizons and would like to join in this activity sometime this month. Set a date and give it your best effort.

5. Plan a weekend getaway just for the two of you sometime within the next six months.

6. Make time every day to share with each other some of the events of the day. When you spend more time watching the news than you do listening to each other, you end up more concerned about CNN than about your spouse.

7. Have a “Let’s review our history” evening once every three months.

These are just a few steps. Listening to your partner will give you an even better insight as to what they like and do not. The main thing is to be willing.

You can take the love language test here.

Next up: The Language of GIFTS

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The 5 love languages – Words of Affirmation


Some time back, I read the book ‘the 5 love languages’ by Gary Chapman. I was sorta kinda having the good old relationship issues- I’m sure you’ve experienced one of those too. Anyway, the girl I was seeing at the time, recommended the book.

The book basically talks about understanding how your spouse views your “Love actions” towards them and how they’ll receive the love you want to shower on them. The revealing part of my experience with this book is that we all have love languages. These love languages are really classified under the Gary Chapman’s “5 Love Languages”.

A short way to explain the whole idea is that: a person who loves your attention and company more than the huge amount of gifts you buy will not feel loved enough if you spoil her with more gifts than quality time/attention. You on the other hand, are left wondering why your spouse still feels you don’t love her after all the numerous gifts you buy. You’re not speaking her love language.

Before applying the words from this post, please note this: The love language principles only work for couples who actually WANT their relationship to work. Relationships do not work out, you work them out.

Introducing: the love language, “Words of Affirmation”.

To give your spouse a verbal compliment is one of many ways to express love in the form of words of affirmation to your spouse. Another route you can take is giving encouraging words. The word encourage means “to inspire courage.” The bitter truth is that we all have insecurities. We lack courage to face a certain side of us, and that lack of courage often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do either for our selves or for others. The latent potential within your spouse in his or her areas of insecurity a lot of times, await your words of encouragement. In this era of diverse social media distraction, increasing unfaithfulness and insecurity in relationships, affirming your spouse of your intact love and desire for them might be the key to bliss, even if their top “love language” is not words of affirmation.

wordssss

 

If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation, the following applies to you:

1. To remind yourself that “Words of Affirmation” is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following on a 3×5 card and put it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily: Words are important! Words are important! Words are important! It might sound corny or cheesy, but hey, aiming to please your partner is the goal.

2. For 3 weeks (the 21 day habit idea), keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day. At the end of the week, sit down and review your record. On Monday, I said: “You did a great job on this meal.” “You really look nice in that outfit.” “I really appreciate your picking up the laundry.” On Tuesday, I said: (whatever you choose to say). You might be surprised how well (or how poorly) you are speaking her/his love language.

3. Set a goal to give your spouse a different complement each day for one month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. You also want to make sure you’re doing this from your heart, it’ll help you stick to it after that one month and it’ll all be genuine.

4. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse, and give it quietly or with fanfare. (Chances are, after many years, when he or she is departed from this world before you,  you will find your love letter tucked away.) Words are important!

5. Compliment your spouse in the presence of his/her parents, friends, even “frenimies”. You will get double credit: Your spouse will feel loved and the parents will feel lucky to have such a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law. Even then, make sure this is a genuine act.

6. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are, he/she will work hard to live up to her reputation.

7. Tell your children how great their mother or father is. Do this behind your spouse’s back and in his/her presence. Your children will learn how to appreciate their future spouses.

8. Write a poem describing how you feel about your spouse. If you are not a poet, choose a card that expresses how you feel. Underline special words and add a few of your own at the end. She didn’t marry a poet, so it’s okay if you don’t write like Shakespeare.

9. If you find speaking “Words of Affirmation” is difficult for you, practice in front of a mirror. Use a cue card if you must, and remember, words are important. In the end, all you’re really trying to do is make sure your partner enjoys your union as much as possible. So it is okay if you don’t sound as eloquent as a Ted Talk guest speaker.

The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. It is a fact, however, that when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.

You can take the love language test here

Next love language: Quality time.

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When Alexander the Great died……


alex

 

Alexander, after conquering many kingdoms, was returning home. On the way, he fell ill and it took him to his death bed. With death staring him in his face, Alexander realized how his conquests,his great army, his sharp sword and all his wealth were of no consequence. He now longed to reach home to see his mother’s face and bid her his last adieu. But, he had to accept the fact that his sinking health would not permit him to reach his distant homeland. So, the mighty conqueror lay prostrate and pale, helplessly waiting to breathe his last.

He called his generals and said, “I will depart from this world soon, I have three wishes, please carry them out without fail.”

With tears flowing down their cheeks, the generals agreed to abide by their king’s last wishes.

1) “My first desire is that”, said Alexander, “My physicians alone must carry my coffin.”

2) After a pause, he continued, “Secondly, I desire that when my coffin is being carried to the grave, the path leading to the graveyard be strewn with gold, silver and precious stones which I have collected in my treasury”.

3) The king felt exhausted after saying this. He took a minute’s rest and continued. “My third and last wish is that both my hands be kept dangling out of my coffin”.

The people who had gathered there wondered at the king’s strange wishes. But no one dared bring the question to their lips.. Alexander’s favorite general kissed his hand and pressed them to his heart.

“O king, we assure you that all your wishes will be fulfilled. But tell us why do you make such strange wishes?”

At this Alexander took a deep breath and said:”I would like the world to know of the three lessons I have just learnt. Lessons to be learnt from last 3 wishes of King Alexander…I want my physicians to carry my coffin because people should realize that no doctor on this earth can really cure any body. They are powerless and cannot save a person from the clutches of death. So let not people take life for granted.

The second wish of strewing gold, silver and other riches on the path to the graveyard is to tell People that not even a fraction of gold will come with me. I spent all my life Greed of Power, earning riches but cannot take anything with me. Let people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth.

About my third wish of having my hands dangling out of the coffin, I wish people to know that I came empty handed into this world and empty handed I go out of this world”.

With these words, the king closed his eyes.Soon he let death conquer him and breathed his last. . . .

LESSONS TO LEARN :Remember, your Health is in your own hands, look after it. Wealth is only meaningful if you can share and also enjoy while you are still alive, kicking & healthy. What you do for yourself, dies with you. But what you do for others will live for ever.‎

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Unconventional relationship habits


The merry go round and brouhaha of relationships can be made better after a thoughtful read on this. its the unconventional habit of highly effective relationships.

  1. Letting Some Conflicts Go Unresolved

The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all of their problems is a myth – John Gottman.

In a research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom have been married for 40+ years, it was found time and again that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, unresolved issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades. Meanwhile many of the unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving everything because they believed that there should be a void of disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a void of a relationship too.

People like to fantasize about “true love.” But if there is such a thing, it requires us to sometimes accept things we don’t like.

Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict is inevitable, that there will always be certain things they don’t like about their partners or things they don’t agree with, and that this is fine. You shouldn’t need to feel the need to change somebody in order to love them. And you shouldn’t let some disagreements get in the way of what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship.

The truth is, trying to resolve a conflict can sometimes create more problems than it fixes. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes the most optimal relationship strategy is one of “live and let live.”

  1. Being Willing to Hurt Each Other’s Feelings

Your girlfriend could be one of those women who spends a lot of time in front of the mirror. She loves to look amazing and you love for her to look amazing too (obviously).

Nights before you both head out, she comes out of the bathroom after an hour-long make-up/hair/clothes/whatever-women-do-in-there session and asks how she looks. She’s usually gorgeous. But every once in a while, she looks bad (or not that gorgeous). She tried to do something new with her hair or decided to wear a dress that some flamboyant fashion designer from Milan thought were avant-garde. And it just doesn’t work.

By the time you tell her this, she usually gets pissed off. And as she marches back into the closet to redo everything and make you 30 minutes late, she spouts a bunch of four-letter words and sometimes even slings a few of them at you.

Men stereotypically lie in this situation to make their girlfriends/wives happy. But we really do not need to. Why? Because honesty in a relationship is more important than feeling good all of the time. The last person you should ever have to censor yourself with is the woman you love.

Fortunately, I date a woman who agrees. She calls me out on my bullshit sometimes, and it’s honestly one of the most important traits she offers me as a partner. Sure, my ego gets bruised and I bitch and complain and try to argue, but a few hours later I come sulking back and admit that she was right and holy crap she makes me a better person even though I hated hearing it at the time.

When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good. And our relationships fall apart without us even knowing it.

It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feel good stuff happens when you get the other stuff right. The sunsets and puppies, they happen when you get the more important stuff right: values, needs and trust.

If I feel smothered and need more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. If she feels that I’m cold and unresponsive to her, she needs to be capable of saying it without blaming me and I need to be capable of hearing it without blaming her, despite the unpleasant feelings it may generate.

These conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship that meets both person’s needs. Without them, we get lost and lose track of one another.

  1. Being Willing to End It

Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. Show me almost any romantic movie and I’ll show you a desperate and needy character who treats themselves like dog shit for the sake of being in love with someone.

The truth is our standards for what a “successful relationship” should be are pretty screwed up. If a relationship ends and someone’s not dead, then we view it as a failure, regardless of the emotional or practical circumstances present in the person’s lives. And that’s kind of insane.

Shut up and jump already.

Romeo and Juliet was originally written as satire to represent everything that’s wrong with young love and how irrational romantic beliefs can make you do stupid shit like drink poison because your parents don’t like some girl’s parents. But somehow we look at this story as romantic. It’s this kind of irrational idealization that leads people to stay with partners who are abusive or negligent, to give up on their own needs and identities, to make themselves into imaginary martyrs who are perpetually miserable, to suppress their own pain and suffering in the name of maintaining a relationship “until death do us part.”

Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the appropriate time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.

“Shoot myself to love you; if I loved myself I’d be shooting you.”

– Marilyn Manson

“Until death do us part” is romantic and everything, but when we worship our relationship as something more important than ourselves, our values, our needs and everything else in our lives, we create a sick dynamic where there’s no accountability. We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. And our partner has no reason to work on themselves and grow because we’re going to be there no matter what. It invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.

  1. Feeling Attraction for People outside the Relationship

Our cultural scripts for romance includes this sort of mental tyranny, where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason. Being in love is like a cult where you’re supposed to prefer drinking Kool Aid laced with cyanide to letting your thoughts wander to whether other religions may be true too.

As much as we’d like to believe that we only have eyes for our partner, biology says otherwise. Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner wears off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty. I get emails all the time from people in happy marriages/relationships who get blindsided by finding someone else attractive and they feel like horrible, horrible people because of it. Not only are we capable of finding multiple people attractive and interesting at the same time, but it’s a biological inevitability.

What isn’t an inevitability are our choices to act on it or not. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those thoughts. And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way how they found us.

This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. Our cultural scripts tell us that once we’re in love, that’s supposed to be it, end of story. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship.

But that’s simply not the case. In fact, it’s healthier to allow oneself to experience these feelings and then let them go.

When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you (suppression) rather than dictating your behavior for yourself (feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything).

People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to eventually succumb to them and give in and suddenly find themselves screwing the secretary in the broom closet and having no idea how they got there and come to deeply regret it about twenty-two seconds afterward. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to project them onto their partner and becoming blindingly jealous, attempting to control their partner’s every thought and whim, corralling all of their partner’s attention and affection onto themselves. People who suppress these urges are the ones who are likely to wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and remember how in love we used to be?

Looking at attractive people is enjoyable. Speaking to attractive people is enjoyable. Thinking about attractive people is enjoyable. That’s not going to change because of our Facebook relationship status. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well. You’re killing a part of yourself and it ultimately only comes back to harm your relationship.

When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it, as any man would. But it also reminds me why, out of all of the beautiful women I’ve ever met and dated, I chose to be with my girlfriend. I see in the attractive women everything my girlfriend has and most women lack. And while I appreciate the attention or even flirtation, the experience only strengthens my commitment. Attractiveness is common. But real intimacy is not.

When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions. We can’t control our own thoughts, feelings and perceptions the majority of the time, so how could we ever make that commitment?

What we control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are our actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.

  1. Spending Time Apart

 

You see it all the time: the man who meets his girlfriend and stops playing basketball and hanging out with his friends, or the woman who suddenly decides she loves every comic book and video game her boyfriend likes even though she doesn’t know how to hold the XBox controller properly. We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship. And it’s troubling, not just for us but for them.

When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires. One of these desires is to allow our lives to be consumed by the person we’re infatuated with. This feels great. It’s intoxicating in much of the same way cocaine is intoxicating (no, really). The problem only arises when this actually happens.

The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.

It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, and maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends. Take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself. Remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place. Without this space, without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.

  1. Accepting Your Partner’s Flaws

In his famous book The Unberable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera said there are two types of womanizers: 1) men who are looking for the perfect woman and can never find her, and 2) men who convince themselves that every woman they meet is already perfect.

I love this observation and believe it applies to not just womanizers, but just about anyone who consistently finds themselves in dysfunctional relationships. They either try to make their partner be perfect by “fixing” them or changing them. Or they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is already perfect.

This is one of those things that is not nearly as complicated as it feels. Let’s break it down:

  1. Every person has flaws and imperfections.
  2. You can’t ever force a person to change.
  3. Therefore: You must date somebody who has flaws you can live with or even appreciate.

The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws. If you accept them and even adore some of their shortcomings — her obsessive cleanliness, his awkward social ticks — and they can accept and even adore some of your shortcomings, well, then that’s a sign of true intimacy.

One of the best expressions of this idea came from Plato in the form of a myth. In his Symposium, Plato wrote that humans were originally androgynous and whole. There were no men or women. They felt no lack, no uncertainty, and they were powerful, so powerful that they rose up and challenged the gods themselves.

This posed a problem for the gods. They didn’t want to completely wipe out the human race as they’d have no one to rule over. But at the same time they had to do something to humble and distract humanity.

So Zeus split them in half. He split each human into a man and a woman and doomed them to spend their brief mortal existence wandering the world looking for their other half, the half that would make them feel whole and powerful again. And this wholeness came not from two perfections meeting, but two imperfections meeting, two imperfections that both complemented and compensated for one another’s shortcomings.

The artist Alex Grey once said that, “True love is when two people’s pathologies complement one another’s.” Love is, by definition, crazy and irrational. And the best love works when our irrationalities complement one another and our flaws enamor one another.

It may be our perfections that attract one another. But it’s our imperfections that decide whether we stay together or not.

 

Adapted from Markmanson.net

 

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Back To The Basics -2


DANG! DANG!! DANG!!! That’s all that was banging about in my head.

My phone is ringing, it’s Iya Damola. “Happy New Year, may this new year be the……” she is praying *sigh* my head is killing me, another hangover. “AMEN! AMEN!!” I chant right back at her as I look for Panadol.

The woman loves me as DANG, and she’s really proud of me, but she’s still low-key disappointed. She thinks (and I agree) that I should be doing better than I am, for instance, I should have been in church casting and binding for the new year…..well, that didn’t happened. I mean, it was mad fun, there was lots and lots of drink, good conversation, and hot girls, whatever….. it was cool.

But really, is this all there is to life? It’s another year; I should not mess stuff up and have the boilerplate “I am just a bouncing baby boy” excuse at the ready. I should not spend all my salary on my beer and turn up and be like “why I come dey work, if I no fit turn up”. I mean, I really should get my shit together. I don’t know about you, but I live in a world of excess “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?” is the motto. Too much alcohol, too much food, too much women, too much drugs.

It’s about time I ask myself questions like,

  • If I don’t drink 6 bottles of beer, will I die? Like really, will I?
  • I see #TeamLightSkin babe on twitter, must i slide into DM? DMs that the most I can expect from it is meaningless sex that might just land you on @subdeliveryman timeline
  • GTBank retweeted some Shawarma Ad, must I call? I just had pizza delivered?

January 1st 2016 really had me thinking of how to minimize my excess.

It had me thinking like, all i should be working towards.

  • A better life for myself and my family
  • My relationship with God
  • Being as physically healthy as possible
  • Have a good relationship with my friends and family
  • Being happy

Hell, those are all I need!! Man. Those are the BASICS!!!! The main things I should strive and hustle.

DANG turn up, time to get back to the basics.

Written by Adedoja Adedamola.

damdey

Damola Adedoja is a web and graphic designer who works and schools in South Africa. An introvert with so many unpublished articles, loves art and is a very analytical critic.

 

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My marriage, their wedding


Your marriage, their wedding” repeated Aunty Funke. She had endlessly reminded me of how my wedding would not be my wedding per se. I’m just an avenue to bring old friends and families together. According to her, it’s my parents that are celebrating. They are celebrating me- the fact that they successfully raised me.

It’s March 18, year 2040, less than 2 weeks to my wedding. My parents frowned a lot at the idea of me getting married to a French man. Jean Claude has spent over 12 years in Nigeria, having invested heavily in agriculture since crude oil prices fell badly in year 2015- Nigeria had changed drastically, I was told. That was the same year I was born. Because of the election fear that year, my parents and older siblings travelled to Paris.  After the election, we all returned to Nigeria. But being a French citizen, I returned to enjoy the benefits. So I stayed in Paris almost all my life. I knew this city as mine- my friends, education, dress sense, mode of living, and ideology. According to what I was told, working in an oil producing or servicing firm in Nigeria was the best thing the years before I was born. As it is now, we don’t value oil as we have trains, and functional water transportation systems. Although everything has changed in Nigeria, the only unchanged part is that parents call the shots when their children are getting married.

Since they didn’t fully support my getting married to a French man, they insisted everything would be done their way. Jean wanted a wine tasting party as our introduction. My parents would not hear of it. We resorted to the traditional style where his folks came to my house and the usual formalities ensued.

My mind was made prepared for a boring wedding. I repeated to myself “my marriage, their wedding“.

According to wedding experts and planners, food and entertainment makes a wedding. My parents got the caterers. I was doomed. Can I divorce my parents already? No kebabs? No French fries? No Rillettes? No Escargots or Ratatouille? No basmati rice or potatoes mixed with shrimps and Truffes by the side? I was moping around during the whole preparations.

I cried and begged, that I must get my own DJ. After a lot of brouhaha, they accepted. I wrote a list of classical songs, with good lyrics and beats. I was hell bent on making the best of this aspect.

April 1, 2040, it’s my wedding day. It’s obviously themed “my marriage, their wedding“. 60% of the guests are my parents’ folks. They looked like they were having a drag day, watching the couple’s dance. My ball dress swaying, hands locked in Jean’s, my head on his chest, slowly moving to our song. I looked at my father. He was tapping his fingers on the table. There was no “aww, see my daughter, now all grown” look in his eyes or face. He looked at his friends. It seems they had a plan. He stood up angrily, briskly. I got scared. He walked to the DJ and said some things. The DJ moved away. The music stopped playing. Whaaaaaaaaaaat!!!! “This is my moment. You can’t ruin it” I said with my eyes. And then I heard something strange. Some crude. Some funny melody.

pam pa ram pam pam, Eyin Omo wobe, Wobe! Eyin omo wobe, Wobe! Mo gbo information, mation! Ninu Radio , di o! E nfa Skunk!”

Hell was let loose. Every adult here jumped up. Agbadas flew away. Heels were changed to flat soles. Gele turned to waist trainer. And it turned out to be the best wedding as my father became the DJ. I’m not sure I should be thankful because even my friends joined in the ‘2 hands arched, in the thumbs up position, and one leg up’ dance style that went on all through the rest of the party.

 dj

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My father is a ritualist


Not like my father had the Dangote or Okoya type of money. But he definitely could drag shoulders with the likes of bank MDs and some Nnewi businessmen. He was an average man initially, owning 3 average cars. Long time ago, when my mother worked with the Lagos state government as a civil servant, she was able to pull off some barren land in Lekki, back in the 80’s. Small bungalows were built on them, and left abandoned. These remained well secured, till the area boomed. Owning a total of about 6 plots in Lekki now is a lot of money. So we sold some, and got paid in dollars. As luck would have it, Naira fell against the dollar and houses that we sold at the rate of N157 per dollar, got an exchange at black market value of N311 per Dollar. Only my mother knew this story, as my father did not want us feeling like there was so much money, and then we get spoilt.

Obviously, my father became so rich. So rich he dropped his 8-5 job to set up his chain of businesses, and hardly went to the office. He had general managers and the likes to oversee his businesses. He bought a house in Surulere, converted it to a magnificent edifice. Neighbors looked at us as either dubious government workers or ritualists. I for one thought he was a ritualist. We made money too fast.

My dad who used to give us free access to the old house, now locks his room, in the new house. His love for Toyota and Nissan died, and we resorted to BMW, Audi and the likes. He would watch TV in his room till midnight, come out at exactly 2:05am at midnight to do whatever he does. This habit continued for years. 7 years after this plenty, mouth- watering money, he fell sick. He seemed so relaxed with the illness, and did not want serious medical attention. It was ironic that it’s happening 7 years later. He must have signed a 7 year juju (black magic) deal with a babalawo. He asked to be buried in a Hummer jeep styled casket. And we did just that.

 

After the burial, we never entered his sacred room. It feel eerie and haunted. In short, it was haunted. Because that thing that used to make my dad wake up at 2am kept looking for him every night. I was heartbroken. How can the man I adored so much have been a ritualist? Some things started adding up. At 2am every night, one creeping noise sounds, a sound like someone humming hard. More like a cricket. It apparently missed the soul that used to feed on it. Pastors, Imams, everyone would come and pray for the house, but no one entered my father’s sacred room still. To make it worse, when they start the Vigil at about 12 midnight, and end at about 2am, this noise would start again. This lingered for weeks.

 

thW71DI95C

 

Then on one fine day, I felt I’d had enough. I made up my mind to enter the room. I was going to feed, kill, take care or fight this thing that misses my father. I got my bible, a knife, baseball stick and a bottle of Eva water. In the thick of the midnight, I woke everyone up, told them to stay at the door while I go in to face our oppressors. 2am, it starts whining and humming again. I opened the door slowly thinking it would be scared. It did get scared and stopped for some seconds. I entered and it got louder. I almost ran out. I held the knife out as my Bible fell. I walked slowly to the bed side, the noise stopped, and started again.

“Are you okay?!?!” screamed my mother from outside the door. I didn’t even answer. The sound was coming from the bed side table. My imaginations saw a skull with blood around, and a cloth wrapped in red. But that wasn’t my reality. I opened the drawer, and the noise got louder. Behold, my father’s Nokia 3310, sim-less and plugged to its charger, which he uses as alarm to wake him up at 2am, to turn off the TV and have a look around the house to see if all is well. I burst into laughter, as my mother couldn’t contain her fears as she and my siblings ran in.

 

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Back to the basics


The dictionary meaning of the phrase “back to basics” means: “stressing simplicity and adherence to fundamental principles”. In the urban dictionary, it means: “a return to previously held values of decency”.

In lame man’s terms, I’d say it means “simplifying what we have complicated”. There are several ways we can go “back to basics”: in our everyday lives, in relationships, dating, friendships, spirituality, work ethics and several more.

Now, when I say back to basics, I don’t mean living a flat basic life…No, it’s actually more than that.

  • Life. Life as we know it now is not what it used to be. Most people I have met, who come from different parts of the world have one common “philosophy” they were brought up with. It was the “go to school, strive for excellence, get a job, raise a beautiful family and everything else would work out” philosophy. In as much as life isn’t as cookie cutter as this, it still pretty much sums up what we all seek in life. Except now, we have gazillion things in place, while that philosophy keeps edging away from our reality. This is the point where I say we need to go “back to basics”. Although, modernization has taken over most parts of the world, we can still hold to the basic principles of life. We can still do life without hustling to become an Instagram celebrity, we can still do life without looking for a famous singer/actor/rapper/Instagram celebrity to latch on to so we can be shot into fame, lights, money and designer things. What happened to working hard and grinding for you, to being an upstanding man or woman who takes pride in is or her credible work? Hey I’m not one to knock anyone’s hustle, but if trying to be an IG celeb, or seeking out a famous person to get your share of the cake were what our folks spent all their time doing when they were our age, we would not be here today, would we?? I think not!
  • Dating. This one is tricky but at the same time, it’s not rocket science! There are many phrases that connote dating these days…how about the famous “Netflix and chill” or “hey do you wanna hangout or something”? Ha! Every single time someone has said something similar to any of these, I look at myself in the mirror like “you see your life??”-In a very thick Yoruba accent too! -Laugh, eat, be polite, be respectful, open doors for her, don’t drag him in the mud to look cool in front of your girlfriends, don’t be a kiss and tell (both guys and girls), send cute messages.
  • -ASK her to be your girlfriend or “go steady” with you! There is absolutely nothing wrong with making dating and romance as organic as possible. Don’t fake it, don’t be fake either…life isn’t that deep!
  • -Guys, ask her out!!! “Hey I’d like to take you out sometime, would you let me?”, “Can we go see a movie sometime and maybe eat dinner somewhere afterwards?” It’s just English, if you’re too shy, text her or better still, write her a note on paper! Cheesy? Yes, Corny? No!          If it’s the girl who wants to be the aggressor too, by all means, but PLEASE, enough of watering down the whole idea behind dating/love/courtship and all that.
  • Spirituality. This is a very touchy topic, as more and more atheists are bolder to discuss their beliefs-or non-beliefs and as religion keeps making the world sometimes difficult to live in. the only thing I’d say is that there is nothing wrong in believing in God and having a beautiful relationship with Him and to base all your standards on Him. But you have to stick to the foundational values of your religion! No, church is not a place to flaunt your wealth, your superiority or vanity! Go back to the Bible (basics) and see what having a relationship with God is about and what being a Christian means! No, the Mosque is not the place to show you are more humble or peaceful than the other person, go back to the Koran (basics) to see what being a Muslim is all about and get back on track! No, being an atheist has nothing to do with shoving your atheism down everyone’s throats and making them believe atheism is superior to Islam, Christianity or any other religions! Stick to the founding values of your choice and move on with life! It’s that simple!

Lastly, I’m not perfect either; people who know me know that perfection is far from what you’ll describe me as. I don’t know if I’m closer to being “back to basics”, but I’m aware of it in my everyday life. Remember the popular catch phrase “YOLO”? Which means, “you only live once”? How about we start applying it everyday in the little things? Always saying “Please” and “thank you” isn’t a weak move, it’s something our parents instilled in us and living by it is definitely a boss move!

Live life daily less and less from the Internet world and live it closer to those around you. Be kind, be sincere in all things, love as deeply as you can, be respectful and live life to the fullest!

Written by Felicia Akanmu.

backkk

Felicia Akanmu is a media communications expert and blogger also. She runs an NGO, is an ardent feminist and lover of God and charity.

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The case against selfies


Social media is one of the most in-thing in this era. Anyone not keeping to this trend would have eyes rolled at him or her. It puts pressure on us to put our lives out there.

 

It’s tiring that we have about the same set of contacts on all platforms, so I wonder what’s spicy about it. Twitter is to say your innermost feelings and thoughts. Facebook is to catch up with far and long lost friends. Instagram is to flaunt the vain, well made up face pictures. Snapchat is to show those who care, you hourly activities. BBM is for cheap communication. And on every platform, most often than not, we take selfies as display pictures or new posts.

What’s about a Selfie? A picture that shows a little background, and then your torso and face.

self

 

The quintessential of this, is to ask, ‘why the fuss about selfies’? You go someplace, post the photo taken, track the traffic, and forget to actually have fun. Why take 17 selfies, then post the best? It’s ridiculous when people go to memorable places, or fun parks, and care only about taking a photo with the snow in the background instead of really getting ice skates and having fun. It’s not life when you meet Banky W and all you want to do is take a selfie, instead of talk him into allowing you be an assisting event manager so you can show case what you’ve got. How does one go to a game reserve, takes a selfie with the cheetah in the background instead of trying to feed it.

 

I’ll ask, which moment is more cherished? The picture or actually savoring the moment. A good number of us are really not living this life. We just give some make believe on social media and that’s it. Why go on a vacation to only flaunt pictures when you can actually conquer new grounds?

 

When you are bored on a fine weekend and decide to look at photos, would you keep staring at the same picture of your well made up face or nicely trimmed beards? 200 different poses? Or you’ll rather have different moments and adventures captured, such that you spend about a minute on each picture remembering the occasion.

selfiee

 

Selfies make us look at ourselves from the outside-in. You put the 3rd party’s perspective on a first person experience.

 

I implore you to actually live your life, and not aim to please. I’ll rather check a #wakabout on instagram than search #selfieaddict.

 

On a concluding note, i’ll reiterate this:

Life is a book. Those who don’t travel read just a page. However, selfies are changing how we vacation,and why. We see someone at a safari in Nairobi and we just want to be there because folks go there.

 

In a weird way, i’m beginning to think we would enjoy life more if we put the camera away.

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Escape From the World


Recently, I have been writing more on relationships. Whatever the motivation is…I wonder.

Before I dig into the main aim of this post, I would mention 3 types of personalities you should avoid when considering to date, or when already in a relationship:

1.) The temperamental spouse. This one’s anger is forever quick to be kindled.

2.) The overly jealous: keyword being “overly”. Jealousy in a relationship  can be healthy, but extremes are not allowed.

3.) The overbearing spouse. The one who wants to know your every detail, feels your life must revolve round them and vice versa. The one is forever questioning you: “why are you going there?”, “why are you not picking my calls?” blah blah blah. Phew!

The main reasons you should avoid or leave such people (not when you’re married o!) are that they could get very violent, you can’t be yourself around them, you’re not happy or your happiness isn’t consistent, amongst other reasons.

Okay, so enough diversion! Let’s talk.

Why do we escape from the world around us? Or feel the need to escape from the world around us? Is it because it seems to be either overwhelming or you need some serenity and calmness? The most popular escape “destinations” or “routes” include:

  • Take time off work, stock the house up with food, turn phones off. Sleep, wake up, watch movies, repeat cycle.
  • Have a fun trip. It could be a mini get away to some neighboring state or town, Booze, friends, trips and just good old fun!
  • A real vacation: An island, sight seeing and ticking off items on your bucket list- if you have one.

 

couple
However, I’m not talking about any of these 3 types. I’m talking about a human escape “destination”- that one person who’s your soul mate and Gee, your personal person. The one you want to be with or talk to when the day’s work is over. And when you have a hot story/gossip. The one you want to be with when the going is extremely smooth not smooth.
Many claim you can have more than one soul mate in your lifetime. I don’t dispute. However, I think it’s imperative that our escape from the world is our spouse and soul mate. Every wife should long for going home to meet her husband and the other way around. Every boyfriend should be able to comfortably turn down men’s hang out to be with his lady. This is because above all the stress and gallivanting all around, that person is your escape from the world. A place of solace and comfort and well tied bond (well, after Jesus).

Someone used to tell me this:
If you dread going to work in the morning, change your job or working conditions.
If you aren’t excited or in a haste to go home after work, change your spouse- not my words!

#musingsfrommyheart.

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Channel your anger positively


anger

 

 

‎A teacher held out her hand, carrying a glass of water, half full, while he stood in front of his students. They thought it was the usual, well know puzzle of “is the glass half full or half empty” and each one took a mental note of their answers- “half full” answers for optimists and “half empty” answers for pessimists.

Unknowingly to them, the teacher had a different approach and side to the story:
“The weight of this glass is dependent on how long I carry it. If I carry it for 2 minutes, it seems light. For another 30 minutes,its getting pretty heavy. If I hold out 3 hours, it would be so heavy”.

You’re probably wondering where I’m headed with this story.
This story can be likened to how we hold on to anger and grudges.
Hold out for some minutes, it’ll feel like  nothing and it’ll pay off in the end. If you decide to hold on these types of negativity,nits cancerous, and day in day out, it spreads till it weighs you down and abuses your mind set.

When angry, instead of breaking heads and bottles, why not channel it to a positive cause? How about:
1. Jogging, dancing or exercise it out. You would have gotten all worked up from the anger-adrenaline pump, and you can channel it all to a befitting means.

2. Breathe in a controlled manner. Take deep breathes, in and out. This stabilises blood pressure and slows the heart beat. Soonest, you’l be back to normal.

3. Anger triggers things such as composing songs,writing journals, deep thoughts, etc. So you could do something you like to do, and end up doing better when angered up. Jamal in Empire usually compose most of his songs when irked by his dad or lover.

4. Say positive words to your self. They calm you,motivate you and I mean, you pray for yourself.

Getting angry isn’t a sin. Staying angry and what you do when angry are the sin.
Develop a postive approach to anger and chun it out via a better channel.

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The beautiful ones are indeed ugly. 


Before you go in too deep and start thinking: “who the heck does this guy think he is, calling someone ugly?!”, please know that I am nobody to call God’s creations ugly. So let me replace the word “ugly” with eeerrrr “not so beautiful” or “not so attractive”-English fails me right now, you can replace with the right word when you’re done reading, thank you!
beaut

 

This post is from a weird corner in my head: it stems from a number of vain things ‎I see on snapchat, Instagram and the likes.

The lady is sharp, Chanel bag, make up as they say, is “on fleek”, posh locations, great captions-basically, you’re mesmerized and you message her. Then the real conversation starts and it’s not really flowing because Aunty can’t make conversation-one work answers were the order of the day! I think a lot of people find it unattractive (see? My “not so attractive” phrase is coming handy) when you give an answer you know would require another question. For instance:

I’m a student (when you can just say I’m a student at Unilag studying Economics).

I’m serving (which would definitely be followed by ‘in what state’)

I do business ( I guess you sell human parts since you won’t state exactly what type).

So you wonder, is she having so many people on her case, she can’t give any1 very good attention? Or maybe she’s really basic as a good number of men are available and she feels she can’t aim to please any? All those questions in your mind don’t matter actually because the fact is, she gradually gets unattractive to you.
Flip side: There’s the not-so-smashing lady,who’s not had so many advances, so she’s spent a lot of time doing random reading on various topics, movie reviews, watches CNN and a lot of other ‘single lady things’ that makes her seem well developed intellectually. Then some dude notices her,and because it’s not a frequent occurrence,she sustains the conversations. Fast forward to conversations later, the guy who thought she was just there, sees that there is a whole lot more to her. Then she gets really beautiful in his eyes.
Are all physically-drop-dead-gorgeous ladies annoying in conversations and intellect? Heck no!

Are all the ‘just okay’ ladies so on point that they automatically have inner beauty? If I hear?!
So don’t judge me. It’s just the musing of my heart that led to this post. I just wanted to write…

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80/20 rule


New flame.

Over emphasised crush.

80/20 rule.

We all go through this. How does it work? I’d explain:

You meet a lady who’s pretty different from your woman. She wears sneakers instead of heels, or the other way around and that makes her so chic. She schooled in China, and that unconventional country,as compared to UK that your lady went to, and this makes her seem unconventional. Ooh, it’s like your man works with an oil company, rakes 700,000 a month, and travels alot but then,this dude you met owns a travel agency, makes about 400,000 a month. But because he’s got extra time and and can bring you lunch at work, you got butterflies in your tummy. That’s mainly what a new flame is about. It’s the sudden craze about someone with a different persona (not necessarily better).
On another side, is the “80/20 rule”.

Your man buys you gifts, spends weekends with you, work hard, has met your folks and flaunts you on every social media platform. The only lapse is, he’s 13 years older than you. While at NYSC camp, you meet a young man, your age mate, who sometimes calls you his baby mama,and you can both act like the “youngings” you guys are,the few times he manages to see you. To spend on you is pretty much a hurdle to cross. So what happens? You get so fascinated by the closeness in age and childlike behaviour, making you abandon the other 80% qualities in the older man, and sticking to the 20% younger fellow- Height of sub-standard.
Here’s the thing: In a relationship, there would be ladies with better qualities than yours, there would be men doing way better than your man.

Therein lies the real test of loyalty.
Are you quick to switch taste cause of a little hype? Do you forget your roots cause of a newly developed fruit?

Imagine a scenario where your man is too tired to take you out today, and another random guy who hasn’t seen you in 6 months jumps at the opportunity. I mean, would he be making as much of a sacrifice? Why make your man feel belittled due to such? You’ve forgotten the so many times of taking time off work to drop you off at a party…or your girl today is so exhausted from work that cooking isn’t even on the agenda for tonight, then one of your old flames says she wants you to try a new recipe you inspired her to cook-so you drive all the way to her house…what of everything else your girl had done right with you before then?
It’s perfectly normal to feel a thing- as trivial as it may seem, for another. It’s kinda sorta allowed. We are humans. HOWEVER, be quick to disregard such, except there are fundamental issues wrong with the current that you wanna absolutely get rid of the “current” and make it the “past”.

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Selfies. 


Have you noticed that some friends, when using their folks’ pictures, use the same thing. Be it mother’s day, birthday, burial anniversary, or when they want to show appreciation to them.
Apparently,many of us do not deem it fit to take Selfies with siblings any  parents. I’ve met folks who would go through so much trouble trying to locate a family member’s picture. And then I wonder why.
Il tell you this: taking Selfies or pictures with them make them feel so loved. Remember, they come from a generation where cameras and pictures were a big deal, and that mindset hasn’t really cleared off completely. I remember a while ago,at d advent of the camera phone,my mum would complain of taking too much pictures,as if I’m wasting film( as seen in d cameras of old). Take pictures of, and with them, and let them have so many pictures,as it keeps memories. Like i’ll always say, they need next to nothing from us. Just some attention,care, love and grandchildren, I guess.
Secondly, remember they are attaining their prime. And as such, Heaven might be calling soon. Other than the memories of experiences, pictures are the next best bet. I could spend 2 hours going through my parent’s hard copy pictures .
For a refresher on how to make folks feel great again, click here.
Have fun,guys!!!

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A woman’s poem


‎His alarm clock went off, but he ignored it. 
However, his boss called, and that ringtone woke him up. 
I took the blame, for allowing him sleep peacefully,
Forgetting I woke him up, but he asked for more time.
He said I’m unlike his mother.

I wore seductive clothes while making breakfast,
So he can eat food,and or me, whichever he pleases.
He sneaks up behind me and startles me, 
This made me pour excess salt in the food.
He complained I ruined breakfast and that his mother would never do that. 

His friends came over to watch the game.
I served them beer and roast chicken.
I politely told them to not smear food on the cushion, which they assured me won’t happen. 
When they left, he scolded me for being rude, and unruly.
He claimed I wasn’t homely, like his mother.

His boss seemed overbearing, and was giving him  a hard time. 
I tried to convince him on having alternate sources of income, so he would be flexible. 
” you never just understand. I’m not cut out for business and risk. Why won’t you just be rational, like my mother” he said.

On this fine day, he did the same thing.
And I got an idea.
In his sleep, I tied him up. I whooped, thwacked,  smacked and beat him up with a belt and soapy water. 

He cried. Yelled. Begged. cursed.I sat and watched. Just like his mother.

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I was talking to my sister some time ago, and she started to talk to me about something like a man meeting a lady who he loves so much, and decides to stop cheating and flirting with other ladies- because of her. in other words, this lady is worth all the hype, and no way is he going to share his emotions and body with another woman. Basically, he’s sticking strictly to his woman because she is ‘da bomb’.
                                                  I vehemently debunked that claim.
My own school of thought is this: a man outgrows the habit/lifestyle of jumping from one woman to the other. He sits down one day, and realizes that all the money spent on “shina”, time on other ladies, drama of hiding phones, deleting text messages, having insufficient time for the so many women, and emotional instability isn’t really worth it. Then he decides that it’s best to concentrate it all on a lady, and swipe all others. He basically analyzes situations and take stock. He decides to stop staying out late, start taking coffee, stick to buying brand new cars, spend 5 hours per day on twitter and then stick to one woman.
I have in no way insinuated that all men cheat, so done et me raw!!!
Summary, I’m leaving this to you to vote, with the poll below.
Its anonymous, so I cant tell who voted what. I only get figures. So please vote, and be honest.
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approach age 30


‎I started this blog not too long b4 I clocked 25. That’s a couple of years ago..and 30 is knocking…I’m still far from it tho’. 

30

 

So I did some thinking and taking stock. What’s expected of a 3rd decade being? What should 30 years have taught you? I’m inexperienced, but I sure keep your eyes and mind busy. So let’s talk!

 

no

Learn to say no. No to outings, no to some asoebi. No to some requests, and to some activities. You are gone pass the age or phase of boot licking, eye service and peer pressure. In this new age,and going forward, you call all the shots. The only thing that gets a yes should be what you really wanna do. Well,except for obligations like your father-in-law’s  birthday, assuming he’s not your favourite person.  And when saying no, be respectful but unapologetic. 

Pay attention to what you eat. Our bodies are no more as immune, strong, flexible and the organs are gradually relaxing. After wealth,its health, in this decade. We can’t keep up with junk and barley. Avoid meals prepared in mass, or industrially. Doughnut, red meat, soda and too much fried meals. In short,at this age, you should stop eating any major food after 7pm. If you must eat,it should be fruits. Exceptions should be special dinners and the likes. 

 

junk

Have control over alcohol: I expect that you started drinking at 18. If not,your loss. If you started drinking at 27, just learn all you need to befor age 30. Bottom line, you should have learnt how to drink, and be getting ready to quit excessive alcohol. Egbon,you are 30, and you still have a hangover? Biko!! Or you don’t know how to say no to booze when you have so little disposable income? 

bills

Spend according to your half your monthly budget: bills would be all up in your face all the time. Except you are 1. a big government official’s child 2. Well established in your own company and doing GREAT 3. a dulling ‘suegbe’ kinda person, you would always have things up your sleeves that are back up with insufficient funds. Do you have a choice? I bet not. So what do you do? Adjust to spening on what you need,and with those needs still, spend only half a month’s in come. 

Keep a close circle‎: written about this thrice on this blog. Those with simple lifestyles have very few,trusted friends. The few bonds should be deep and tight.

Some things aren’t thaught in school: on that note, try to start making the best decisions, and focus more on dreams..realistic dreams. Take risks, but take calculated ones. Things won’t come so free,and people would be quicker at judging you based on outcome of your endeavours. If you

Not everyone is sane: that’s assuming that you aren’t part of the erratic ones. But if you go thinking life would be fair cause you are nice, you are mistaken. At this stage,it needs to sink that people will only access your opinion based on their understanding and experiences. So many wrong foot would be stepped on,if you ain’t careful. Avoid social media dramas, and when driving in a city like Lagos, repeat to yourself ‘the other driver is a donkey, I won’t be tempted’. 

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Beyond ovaries and a waiting womb


I really wanted to write something about bringing something into the marriage, so I discussed with my far but close friend, Funke  ‘Efkay’ Akanmu, who agreed to write this for me. Its so professional and inspiring.

 

ef

 

Read along……

 

Marriage is one of those things that everyone looks forward to; well, maybe mostly ladies (I take that back- it’s something everyone looks forward to). There’s just something about “marriage” that makes anyone giddy, excited and even panic. Oh I know what that something is: WEDDING! Weddings are so so so exciting that it’s termed one of the most important and biggest days of one’s life. 

From a very young age, whether it’s from performing numerous little bride or ring bearer duties, the importance of your “wedding” is ingrained in our minds. For the rest of our formative and growing years, we would begin to chase the ideal partner, the ideal course of study-so we can save up for that wedding and have good life, the ideal dress, and did I already mention the ideal partner? Ah yes!
There’s something we kind of leave behind during all these scheming and planning of our ideal future and wedding day and that’s :our individualism and sense of self.
Your sense of self is simply the way you see yourself. No not the good ol’ “I wanna look like Kim Kardashian” (I can’t even believe I’m typing her name here), but the “my name is lagbaja, and I am this and that, I want to be this and that, I will have a this and that effect on my generation and do this and that for my environment…etc.”.
One common mistake- permissible as it may be, that a lot of us (mostly us women) make is leaving the individual that we were/are, before coming into marriage. The Bible says it that “two shall become one”! I am not an expert but I sure can tell you that bringing half into your marriage with someone who is a “one”, would bring both of y’all two a three quarter, not one!
For instance, you went to school, got a degree, you get married, your husband sets up a store for you, life is good! Yaayyy- right?? Well, WRONG! Ain’t nothing wrong with your man taking care of you, but what next after that?
Business is slow and you run back to him? Na-uh! OR he sends you to school, connects you with his friends in high places so you can get a job, he buys you a car, life is good right? WRONG! Again, nothing is wrong in your husband taking care of you. What is wrong is that your individuality is wrapped around this man, which means, your whole being and life are tied to him, that he does have reason to say “I made you”! Now that’s what’s wrong.
In case you were wondering, no I don’t consider myself a feminist- I consider myself a realist, and I believe in the old school love/marriage, where the man takes care of me. As a realist, I’d say you have to bring something to the table(marriage) that’s simply yours and yours alone. Something you can point out and say, that’s all me, 100%!
We all say we wanna be like the Proverbs 31 woman, but if you read that passage again, you’ll see something dominant: Grace and Hustle! And whether you’re a Christian or not, those two things are two things a woman should have. They’ll take you places you never imagined and icing on the cake? You won’t HAVE TO depend solely on your husband, but you would WANT TO, because as I said, he’s your husband!
That said, I wish you the best, as you embark on this Graceful journey of Hustling! Take something other than your ovaries and womb, waiting for semen to make a baby. Its much more than that.
DISCLAIMER: I’m neither married nor am I a marriage expert, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know a thing or two right?? SAYONARA! ✌🏾✌🏾
A goldfish jumping out of the water to escape to freedom. White background.
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You Only Live Once


thPBAHCV5K

How depressing it is when I hear of someone who hasn’t failed before at work or in school. That’s every shade of messed up. That’s boring!!

It’s pretty much disheartening to imagine that Bill Gates, with all his wealth, might not have tasted jollof rice before.

If your tummy has never rumbled, and almost embarrassed you, you need to come back to mother earth.

Not like I have a theme for this piece. I stumbled upon some words somewhere, and the summary is:

You Only Live Once. 

Many of us are too rigid, busy, strict, straight and uptight, that we get either too carried away, or allow the world pass us bye.

In trying to achieve a feat, we lose many others. The painful part is, we probably lose more important things.

Quick summary: live a fun filled, and balanced life. No aspect should be left undone or stagnant. Spiritual, emotional, academic, relationship, financial or whatsoever.

Recap from the piece I read:

There is no point getting a promotion on the day of your breakup.

When is the fun in driving a Mercedes when your back hurts? Or shopping with so much tension in your mind.

This life we’ve got, we got just one. Skip a class to have a lifetime memory at a talk-of-the -town party; it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll fail.

Meet people and make the best out of it. Stop over analyzing, or emphasizing. Open your heart and arms to new things. Travel often.

I was a party freak in school, and all I had to do was have a reading time table, to make my 4 point CGPA.

Hehe, and I broke some hearts, and I still get scared that these ladies would meet someday, and deal with me.

Take out of your savings and have a get away with a cherished person; the bank could fold up.

Experience what it’s like to have a hangover, or to ride on an elephant’s back.

Fight with your spouse; cuddling after that is so sexy. Bet a little, you might just hit a jackpot. Get lost sometimes; that way, you may find new things.

You know why? Because while on your sick bed or old age, you won’t remember the houses or cars, per se. You’ll cherish the moments and adventures, and that’s where fulfillment comes.

Live this life, it’s just one and sadly, its short!!

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On the series of Laws of Power, I would be giving random tips I read from a book. They would be short and straight to the point. If you want power at all costs, follow some of these, depending on which goes with your personality and desperation.

Hardly do you get power by hiding in the shadows. By all possible means, you need to stay in the news, in the lime light, on the lips of everyone. I met (or saw) Denrele Edun some nights ago at a bar. He came in with clothes that he usually wears for shows. He greeted those he came to meet with so much drama, genuflecting and hugging hard. By all standards, that brother is weird, but he’s selling out, for weirdness. That brings me to a vital point.

No matter what, stay in the news.

To get power, you need to keep making headlines. headline I know a couple of folks who pay to have their scandalous stories in magazines, and then pay to give the replies. Apparently, it was a strategy the PDP (or Pro Jonathans) misused to help APC/ Buhari win as they kept his name in the limelight (although via allegations). Ever seen Ruggedman’s instagram page? its so busy with one supposed tour, or charity visit, or unleash of a clothing line. All this it make it seem he’s still making waves and the likes.

Wisdom in a nutshell:

  • Surround your name with the sensational and the scandalous.
  • Create an air of mystery.
  • It is better to be attacked and slandered than ignored.
  • Make yourself appear larger than life.
  • Any sort of notoriety will bring you power.
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Destination addiction


destination-addiction

I’m going to try to look for a simplified way of explaining this phrase. Let’s use some examples.

Assume I attended an Ivy -League University for post graduate studies and paid about 7million naira (about $35,000) for my studies. Then I get a job that pays me 3 million naira ($15,000) per annum. By all standard, I’ll feel like my education isn’t paying off, and so would not offer my 7 million worth brain to a 3 million worth salary. So I’ll give about half my best, and hope for a better job.

Also, if I’m into light skinned ladies, and I meet this admirable, adorable and awesome dark skinned lady, the tendency is there that I won’t give my best to her. Not because she doesn’t deserve it, but because I’m too preoccupied with my future want or expectation of a drop-dead omo-pupa (light skinned lady).

The summary of the 2 examples details a set of people who are too addicted to what they expect of tomorrow or the future, and decide not to give the best at what they have or are experiencing today. Destination addiction has made a number of us lose opportunities, and good relationships.

It’s is the preoccupation of the mind that happiness is in the next job, next partner or the next place.

The sad thing is, as long as your mind is glued to happiness lurking around the ‘next’, then happiness would never be found in the ‘current’.

 Make the best out of the current!!!

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side hustle


sidee

I‘ve learnt about having a side hustle since I was younger, from watching family members juggle one job and another. For example, my friend Damilova of Lova clothings runs a mobile wardrobe market, can get you anything you want, and still work with the state government…that’s what a real + side + main hustle is. Not everyone feels the need for a side hustle, but if you’ve been thinking about it: then here are more reason’s why 2015 is the year to start!

Focus: You won’t have time to be merry-go-rounding in your life. You see, an idle mind is the devils workshop and an idle mind with mobile phone, internet and bb will cause much chaos. Do have those friends that ping you and always seem to be so available for a “random” chat? I’m not saying idle chat is bad oh, but idle chat everyday is not why we are here. Get busy. Get a side hustle.
New Skills: You will learn a new skill, most of the time our side hustle will be in something totally different or quite complimentary with your 9-5. Doing this on the side will help you build skills that will be useful in your job and outside your job. You will learn to prioritise and multitask. No knowledge is lost.
Extra Cash: This is the most important reason sha but I didn’t want to come off as a money lover. by placing it as number 1 plus some people have too much money so they do it because of “just because”. LOL. You don’t have to wait for that alert you get ONCE at the end of every month from your 9-5…having extra on the side can help out with things like going out on weekends, holidays, paying for asoebi, and all the miscellaneous things we spend our money on. That extra cash can fluctuate to be more or less than the salary you earn at your 9-5. Imagine those days when you actually make double your salary from your side hustle. Godwin!
Security: Incase of “incasity” what happens? People with side hustles are not afraid of losing their jobs, not because they don’t really like their job or because they play with their jobs but because there is a plan B. A plan B gives peace of mind. What if your company cannot afford all it’s staff? What if they just have to let you go? What if no salary for 3 months…how you go do? Side hustle.
New Career: I know so many people who have left their 9-5’s for their side hustle. Doctor’s becoming photographers, engineers becoming caterers…it’s happening. It’s hard to make the decision to follow your passion and leave a job. Because? Money. However, doing the side gig will help you determine if you really want to take the leap or if you should just fogerraboudit. Most of the time our side hustle is a little hobby of ours, something we are passionate about, but when it begins to become more fulfilling, emotionally and most importantly FINANCIALLY, people don’t hesitate to jump ship.
Fulfillment: I do think people who have side hustles are more fulfilled in life. I once read somewhere that “Multiple interests are how you create a happy life. Also, just the awareness that you are building something on your own, gives your self esteem a boost!
By the way, shout out to the few ones I know: Ifeanyi (Cool cash) Enemuo, Denrele Kicky, Yebo (Escada Homes) Akinso, Oraibi (CeeGee Makeovers) Wakama and of course Sola (thatafricankid) Kola-Amodu.
I love when you people interact with me, so I want to know why you started your side hustle. What are the rewards you get?
Adapted from sisiyemmie.com
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Akoba Adaba


I have tried to get a summarized meaning of this Yoruba phrase to no avail. However, I would exemplify to give a meaning.
Assume you are headed somewhere, couldn’t get a bus or cab, and a good Samaritan offers you a lift. Along the way, police stop you, and on searching, find Indian hemp or a gun with the Good Samaritan. These are loyal policemen, who do the right thing, arrest the driver, and of course you. At that point, that good Samaritan is an akoba adaba.

In the same vein, assume you are sent by your company to inspect a project. Those executing the project are lackadaisical and unruly. But as a baddoo that you are, you come early, and do the right thing, which eventually exposes their weaknesses to top management. Technically, you are an alakoba or akoba adaba to those people.
You see, many of us entangle ourselves with associations which eventually put us in a state of jeopardy. Of a truth, we do many of these in the name of adventure, beefing up your social status, or just for psychological fulfilment.

Allow me tell a small story. I attended a private university, and to me, my ideal girlfriend then, was a Unilag student. It was more like a fantasy, based on stories I knew about Unilag ladies.
PS: the emphasis is on the lady, not Unilag. So “awon aye” helped me get one. In no time, we were dating. However, anytime we go out, something goes wrong. The first (and only) time LASTMA officials (traffic enforcement agents in Nigeria) arrested me and I paid so much, I was with her. The only time I bashed my car and cleared my side mirror, she was with me. Whenever police stop my car, once they see my face, they assume “no risk” and allow me go. But the day police stopped me, brought to my notice that my insurance papers had expired, and I had to pay, the babe was right beside me. My friend Adejumo SOJ, who witnessed more related issues with this lady told me point blank: “her head and yours do not agree”.
The probability exists that they were all coincidences. All these might have happened without her beside me, but I refuse to think that way. My conclusion on the matter is:

some people’s stars do not shine with yours”

Your involvement with them brings constant troubles, thus minimize the risks.

We all know life is complex. We also know sex is beyond the fun. Spiritual matters are involved, and all of that. Thus, the more ladies (or men) you go down with, the more spirits are interchanged with yours. If you sleep with someone whose destiny has good luck and all of that, maybe, the better for you. But when your partner/ concubine has plenty issues, aha, then you have a reason for the many issues you are facing.

We all can’t have good, beneficial friends. However, we can make our lives better by having positive relationships and associations. It feels good, and also helps in challenging times. Some nights ago, Bimbo Kasali (the 2nd of the 3 musketeers) had a car fault at midnight, and I had to go to Demola Ojebiyi’s house (the 3rd musketeer) to pick him, and other materials needed to fix the car. Wrong circles won’t be so handy, as they are available only when the going is good.
Cut out unproductive talks and people. You have more to lose being with them.

Matter of fact, you know you are getting more matured when your circle of friends gets smaller

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Open letter to IPOB


It may be because I live in the south west, specifically Lagos. And by reason of that, I see just the good side to democracy and life. Just maybe because I’m Yoruba, I like my peace so much and once I’ve eaten and have a means of livelihood, go for owambes when I can, I’m good. 

It could be that the country has had a president from the south South and the south west and so many think we have been favored in these parts. 
I don’t know what the standard of living is like in the eastern part of Nigeria but I can bet it’s not half as bad as it is in the North or even Bayelsa, the oil rich state. So it begs to ask the question: what does IPOB want? 
I’m not here to ask them to retreat or stay in Nigeria. I’m only going to ask them to watch documentaries and movies that tells the stories of war. Beast of no nation , Idi Amin, Hiroshima , the new First They Killed my Father, and the likes. 
Why? Because if Biafra would happen, it would not happen by pen and paper or mere simple Segregation. It would happen after a war. A war with Nigeria. Many would die. Buildings would fall. Plantations would be eroded. Did I say people would die? People would live in more poverty than they are now, the focus would begin to be on mere survival, that the reason for the war would be amiss. Who then would be left to be called ‘Biafra’? The aftermath of a war is the worst thing to ever happen to humans.
They may argue and say ‘development comes at a cost’ or ‘revolution needs people to sacrifice their lives’. But I beg to differ because if this battle is won, every other thing they had would be lost, especially family members. Would the Nnewi billionaires who have homes in Lagos and Abuja forfeit them? What ports would they import their merchandise into?  
I’d say IPOB members or supporters need to rethink their decision. Or at least, their approach. How about they form a political party, make their leader the presidential candidate, move enmass and make him the president of Nigeria? 
Have you guys met anyone who witnessed the Biafra War? Have you met people from North and South Sudan? Have you met Somalians who ran from their country? Civil Wars are the worst!! It is one that can’t be stopped once started. And the worst part? People who start them are usually not the ones to bear the brunt! They’re not the ones involved in the footwork. Ask Ojukwu! That said, I really hope and pray that what we know as our home- Nigeria, never becomes a war zone. Amen. 

Bachelor’s Sojourn – Part 6


The adventures of Omo Otunba started from Part 1. Click here to see how the journey started.
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The “Oladeji” sounded like ‘Holla Day Gee’. Popo steps next to her, gives me a hug and introduces her as his wife. Hmmmmm,so this is the wife they always said he had: his second wife in this country, and third in his life.

She smelt of garlic. She’s not obese but she’s fatter than fat. Her tummy and her boobs were on the same level. She was a robust bundle of joy!

Her 5′ 10″ height makes her look huge, compared to my 5’7″ height. I still wonder whose height I have, as my mum and Popo are tall. ‎If she were slimmer, I’m not sure if she would have been pretty. Trust me, she had a very cute face nonetheless, with a very small, always pouting, red lips. Unfortunately for me, I don’t know where she’s from. I’m yet to get to the point where I see foreigners and can tell if they are American, Europeans or Hispanic. In my mind, all of them are oyinbo!

I’m not sure how long the hug was for because of all the plenty thoughts that had raced my mind. When she let me go, from that squeeze (because that ain’t no hug), I gave Popo a side hug. ‘Twas too awkward for him too, I guess. We headed to the parking lot and ‎got into a Pontiac Vibe cross over. Sophie (Popo’s wife) did the driving. I sat quietly in the back, answering her numerous questions and comments, on how much I would love my new life, although I struggled with her accent. Then she said her children were anxious to meet me.

Her children.

I never thought of that. ‎How dumb of me not to have thought they had children. I hated this awkward feeling that’s already swamping me. We got to the house and settled in. The house isn’t big. In short, all the houses I saw weren’t big. Many were terrace houses, with cars parked on the street, average of 3 rooms, and small carpet grass behind the house. I know modesty is good, but this felt like constriction to me. In Otunba’s compound, you would have a party of 300 guests comfortably, if the cars are parked outside. Sophie explained that she’d moved her things to Popo’s room, so that’s my new room. She showed me, and asked if I wanted anything.

‘For now, I just need a long sleep’ I replied. And I slept. And slept. And had all manner of weird dreams. When I woke up, 4 eyes were looking at me. I closed my eyes, telling myself the dream wasn’t over. Until I heard their voices, then I realized it was no dream.
‘Hey Urla, I’m Emma, and here’s my sister Julia. Do you mind if we hug you? Mum asked us to’ said one of them. I replied in affirmative as I stood up to hug the 2 girls, at the same time, like a family reunion hug and told them to call me DJ instead. They took me downstairs to have dinner (which according to me is lunch, because it was almost 6pm). And as usual, I didn’t know the names of the food I had. It all just looked familiar. Each swallow was hard, but I had to form. Later that evening, Popo came and had some talks with me. Told me I’d need to start some courses, so as to get into grad school and also work part time. He asked about my mum, and everything possible. The days rolled by. And they became weeks.

I started taking some college courses, and learning a little Dutch language. Damn, that stuff was hard and to make it worse, the teacher was one mean looking woman. I thought oyinbo teachers were always smoking hot? Why is this one so different? The city wasn’t so much fun, but night life was lit!

Netherlands is a sin city. A sexual sin city. Prostitution is legal. Red light districts were everywhere. And it’s cheap. But I can’t imagine myself, fully bred Lagos boy paying for sex. With the abundance of babes at home. No way!

However, that light that is always at the end of the tunnel showed up. ‎On a fine day, I was riding my bicycle (yes o, from a variety of cars in Nigeria to bicycle; it wasn’t a far distance though) from class to the house when I came across a branch of a Nigerian church! Yes, a popular Nigerian church. This became a lifesaver for me. Over the next few weeks, I became an ardent churchgoer and to make it better, I offered to join the choir. And I think that’s where I got it wrong.

You see, I can’t sing to save myself. Even someone offering to dash me money would hear my voice and change his mind. On the day of my mini audition, I listened to myself again in the bathroom and it did sound good. I mean, whose voice isn’t good when in the bathroom. Fast forward to my audition. I was asked to sing a song by Frank Edwards, but this choirmaster had no idea I had zero clues as to whom that was. Mo sorry gan, but I didn’t know who Frank Edwards was. So we switched to a popular song by Kirk Franklin (my case would be pathetic if I didn’t know him), and my embarrassment started. My voice kept hanging or going off key (even though I didn’t know what that even meant) and the conclusion was my voice had no class or category. So my voice didn’t match with alto, soprano, base or tenor. I had no clue on how to react to that, but the choirmaster concluded that I’d use my own microphone, stand-alone and sing nonetheless. I’d take it, I said!

Down the line, I saw there was this pretty girl in the church, who goes by the name Tishe. She was an usher‎, very dark, with the whitest, and best dentition ever. My crush on her started the first day I saw her. Pretty wouldn’t describe her, especially after considering these melanin gang on Instagram. But she was more than ‘just there’. Maybe the naive look and the easy demeanor did it for me. The real gist is that she had a twin, Temi, who was also in the choir, and Temi had a huge crush on me- it was very obvious too. Temi had a sexier body, but not sexy enough to choose her over Tishe. And more importantly, she was just there, facially.

I wasn’t ready to wash my dirty linens in church, so I didn’t chase Tishe, neither did I give Temi a chance. I would make her comments sound very plain and basic, and I guess that drove in the point, and led to the beginning of my trouble in the choir.

Questions like ‘who disconnected the microphone’, ‘who’s voice is going off-key’, ‘who should go and get the crew lunch’ would have Temi pointing at me. She pushed every blame, lapse or responsibility at me, and I got the message. So I buckled my shoes to leave the choir. Just then, I remembered I could play the talking drum that JD got for me during my last birthday. So I offered to play for the church at a fee, and they obliged. This was very rewarding, financially and also by leaving the choir and Aunty Temi’s shenanigans!

You see how much of a lifesaver JD can be? You then expect me to leave her for one twitter girl? Naah! I was talking to her the night I got my first €100 pay from the church, and subtly telling her how sweet she is. You know, as a strong man, we aren’t predisposed to reeling out feelings and emotions. The conversation was going smooth until I heard creaky sounds of a bed. It got louder, and it was hitting the thin wall of my room. I told JD to hold on, as I put my ears closer to the wall. Oh no! It’s not what I’m thinking! I’ve left the stage of thinking! It’s what I’m hearing. Popo and Sophie were having night action. It would have been easy to let it go, I mean, couples have sex. But no, I couldn’t. Sophie’s noise or ringtone wouldn’t let the thought slide by. Oh my! She’s quite noisy and controlling. I fear they would break the wall. I managed to move to the other side of the room, and mimicked everything I heard to JD. She laughed so hard and we kept catching up.

In the morning, it looked like I was seeing someone else other than Sophie. When she hugged me, I couldn’t but have my mind race again. However, she’s been the sweetest person ever. She either is a fabulous pretender or has a blissful soul. At some point, I wondered if she wanted something else from me, sef. There was nothing I ever wanted from Popo that she didn’t ensure I got, and her small gifts were unending: be it socks, headphones, customized pen, and paying my monthly phone bills. Having a long and decent conversation is quite hard, but we natter a lot on ‎different things.

Weeks in Netherlands grew into 7 months and JD said we had to have that talk! Man I was scared! Did she find someone else? Is she tired of waiting? Gosh! I knew it! It has to be that guy at her office!! JD is trying to leave me!!

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Edited by: Felicia Akanmu

Continue the story to part 7 here

 

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